Damaged Soul
by NeilaRain
Summary: Everything in her life threatens to fall apart. Will he be able to save her? This story contains sensitive topics such as eating disorders and depression. Don't worry the story won't only be sad and dark.
1. Black Hole

_Hey lovely readers! After reading so many great fanfictions I tried to write one of my own. At first I didn't wanted to upload it on but then I thought why not. First of all I have to mention that English is not my native language and therefore I apologize for all my mistakes and I am willing to correct them. Secondly I want you all to know that it is way after midnight in my time zone and I have probably overlooked a few mistakes despite the repeated proofreading. Again I am willing to correct them. I have already said enough and I hope some of you might enjoy my story._

_I don't own Blindspot and all the rights belong to Martin Gero and the amazing Blindspot team!_

**Damaged Soul**

Jane kneeled on the cold tiles of her bathroom and threw up. Since her time in the blacksite she could hardly eat anything. Her body wasn't used to eating after months of torture. She thought it would go away after a few weeks but after a short time she couldn't stand the stomach ache anymore. She became thinner and thinner but nobody seemed to notice. None of her former friends could stand to look at her for long, the hatred and anger against her were too great. However, Jane had to admit to herself that she preferred it when nobody noticed her. With every eye contact the feelings of guilt became stronger and threatened to devour her. She wanted to attract as little attention as possible and her psyche, damaged by torture, made her believe that the thinner she would get, the less she would be noticed.

Despite everything, she was sometimes overcome by the urge to eat and she fell for it despite her strong willpower. She ate everything she could find and stuffed it into her already small stomach. It wasn't long before she was suddenly plagued by stabbing pain and had to hurry to the toilet to vomit. On such days she felt particularly miserable. Often hours later she lay on the hard and cold tiles of her bathroom with both arms wrapped around her trembling body. She knew what she was doing was dangerous and unhealthy, but a demonic voice in her head made her think that she deserved all this pain and guilt after all she had done.

In those moments, surrounded by silence and loneliness, she could no longer hold back the tears. Her whole body began to tremble and the quiet whimpering turned into a plagued sobbing. Only when the sun's rays shone through the small window and all her tears were used up did she slowly begin to rise. Her muscles and head hurt from another sleepless night. On wobbly legs she went to the sink and supported her tired body on the cold porcelain. A few weeks ago, she would have retreated from her reflection, frightened. Her once emerald-green eyes had lost their glow, slightly sunken, blood-red and surrounded by dark circles. Her whole face looked thin and her cheekbones threatened to pierce her pale skin. She hated her looks and quickly turned her gaze away.

Jane quickly brushed her teeth and took a shower. The cold drops didn't relieve her sore muscles, but at least she was able to order her confused thoughts and become more conscious. On the way to her bedroom she was overcome by a dizzy spell and had to lean against the wall to avoid falling over. She hadn't felt as bad as she did today for a long time. She dressed carefully, quickly took some pills for the throbbing headache and left her apartment on shaky legs. Jane had briefly considered whether she should eat something or not but after yesterday's event she wouldn't get anything down so quickly.

The people in the subway threw worried and pejorative looks at her but she hadn't noticed them for a long time. She herself couldn't see the full extent of her actions, as she had skillfully avoided looking at her body. To this day she thought she could hide her figure and the ugly scars with some bigger clothes. Today she would find out that this was not the case.

In the office, as always, she stayed in the background and at a safe distance from her former friends. Again today she was standing in a dark corner, attentively following Patterson's words. The bright blonde had deciphered another tattoo and explained to the others what she had found. Actually, Jane had hoped she wouldn't have to go into the field today or do one of Roman's jobs, but luck didn't seem to be with her.

"When have you been lucky lately," asked a voice in Jane's head, and she could only agree. When Kurt and the others had discussed the tactical plan, everyone rushed to the locker room to get ready for the case. They suspected that a small terror cell was operating from an abandoned warehouse and planned to take it over and disband it. Jane had to realize in despair that her vest didn't really fit anymore but she didn't want to stop the others and after tightening it as much as she could she followed them to the parking garage. The ride took a terribly long time and Jane could feel the ice-cold gaze of Zapata, who was sitting next to her, with her eyes closed. For a brief moment, she wondered whether she might be able to sleep for a few minutes, but that would only put her in a bad light again. The team didn't trust her anymore anyway, so why make it worse with such an action? After a felt eternity Kurt stopped the car at a safe distance from the warehouse.

"Zapata, you and I take the front entrance with team alpha and Reade, you and Jane cover us from behind with team beta.", Kurt said in a hard voice and threw a threatening look at Jane. Even after weeks his cool looks and the way he talked to her stung her heart. She knew that she had hurt him with her actions and lies, but she only wanted to protect him. Jane didn't want to admit it to herself but she missed his loving looks and his warm strong arms. She couldn't stop loving him.

"He's the reason you've been tortured for two months, remember that?", asked this damn voice in her head again.

"No he didn't know that the CIA would come and take me into their custody."

"Yeah, well, just tell yourself that.", replied the voice bitterly. Jane banished the voice into the depths of her brain and quietly followed Reade to the back exit of the warehouse. No one knew exactly how many members of the terror cell were inside of the warehouse, but Patterson confirmed a heat signal in the middle of the building using the coms. Kurt gave the signal and together they stormed the building. After a few seconds shots were fired and all hell broke loose. Fortunately, it didn't take too long and the FBI managed to take those present of the terror cell into custody. On the way back to headquarters Jane suddenly felt a stabbing pain in her shoulder and her head began to feel lighter too. She looked down to the source of the pain and was shocked to find that there was already blood on her tank top where the vest seemed to have slipped. Because of the adrenaline she hadn't noticed that she had been shot earlier. As she tried to move, she couldn't suppress a painful whimper. Kurt looked into the rearview mirror and gave her a worried look. Jane thought she had only imagined it, but then she heard Zapata's voice.

"Are you hurt?"

"It's nothing." Jane tried to avert them all but in vain. Zapata approached her and carefully tried to pushed the vest to the side to examine Janes body, but she only retreated frightened.

"Jane, you've been shot and you need to go to the hospital immediately to get checked out.", Zapata answered in a desperate voice.

"Trust me, I've survived worse than this." Jane tried to talk herself out of the situation when suddenly Kurt raised his voice.

"Don't try to talk your way out of this Jane, we will drive you to the hospital." She could feel her heart racing and the panic started to boil inside her. She knew what the doctors would find underneath the oversized clothes and she didn't want Kurt or anyone else to see what had become of her once strong body. They'd despise her and probably put her in an asylum, or worse yet, back to the CIA. Jane didn't want Kurt to see her so broken, she couldn't let that happen. She began to formulate an excuse in her head as suddenly dots danced before her eyes and before she knew it, Kurt's worried looks disappeared and Jane's consciousness vanished into a deep black hole.

_Yeah, I know a cliffhanger. The story is short but I thought if some of you like it I'm going to post more chapters. Please review and let me know how I can improve my writing. I'm grateful for every help I can get!_


	2. Into The Abyss

_Wow another update in such a short time. This will probably not happen as often as I would like it to happen but I just couldn't stop writing. Again all mistakes are mine. Hopefully some of you are interested in this new chapter._

_All rights belong to Martin Gero...(definitly a genius)_

**Damaged Soul **

**Into The Abyss**

"This is once again so typical for Jane. She is just so stubborn and risks her life in situations like this, although she should be aware that they needed her for the fall of Sandstorm."

Zapata's mind was going crazy. She felt emotions for Jane that she hadn't felt for a long time and had actually banished them to the deepest corners of her brain. On one hand she wanted to be angry but on the other hand memories of the past came back. Memories of the times when Jane, Patterson and herself sat in bars trying to figure out which drink Jane preferred.

"Don't be so worried about her. She was the one who finally decided to lie to you and destroyed your trust. Besides, you heard her. She's survived worse." The little devil on her shoulder fell silent when Tasha noticed that Jane was no longer conscious and saw her head sink against the window. She was just about to draw Kurt's attention to it, but of course he had noticed it long ago, switched on the blue light and accelerated the car. His thoughts also went crazy. He didn't know why he suddenly cared so much about Jane. Okay, he knew exactly why he cared so much about Jane, but he wouldn't admit it. Not after everything she'd done.

"To protect you."

His hands grabbed the steering wheel with iron strength. The voice in his head plagued him since Jane had come back and when he saw in full measure what she had to endure all those months. He remembered exactly the green spots on Jane's tender skin. Again guilt came up in him and that made him angry. He didn't want to feel guilty. He took a quick look in the rearview mirror and saw Jane's unconscious face. It almost seemed as if she was sleeping peacefully, but on closer observation Kurt could see the dark circles under her eyes. Her nights had probably not been peaceful for a long time, just like his. When Kurt arrived at the hospital, he parked the car carelessly in front of the building and rushed to Jane's door. He opened it slowly and Jane's head sank to her shoulder. Zapata released the seat belt and he carefully lifted Jane into his arms. His worries only increased when he realized how incredibly light she had become.

Hadn't she put on weight after her time at the blacksite? Kurt couldn't believe that. He rushed with Jane safely in his arms to the hospital and immediately two nurses noticed him. They came up to him with a stretcher and asked him for Jane's name.

"Her name's Jane, Jane Doe. She's one of my agents. She got shot in the line of duty." The words came easily over his lips, although they were lies. Jane wasn't an agent and they didn't treat her like one either. They no longer even saw her as a consultant, but only as a means to an end, as a tool. Kurt suddenly got sick and if he hadn't been so obsessed with protecting Jane, he probably would have gone to the next toilet to vomit. He didn't feel any better when he couldn't answer the questions about Jane's health and allergies.

"Does she have any relatives we can or should question and inform?", asked one of the nurses, a middle-aged woman with red hair. Kurt couldn't help thinking about Roman, but he couldn't contact him for logical reasons. He wondered what Roman would do if he found out what had happened to Jane. He knew from Jane's words and descriptions that she loved him and from the crimes her brother had committed when they first met, the same probably applied to him.

"No, I'm her emergency contact, she's got no one else."

Against his will, he took Jane's hand firmly in his. Her fingers had gotten so thin. He could no longer escape the thought and wondered what Jane looked like under her clothes. Only now did he notice they looked far too big on her. How could he have missed that?

"You meant how could you ignore that?" For the first time in a very long time he had to agree with the voice in his head and his guilt threatened to drown him. The nurses took Jane to an examination room and a doctor began to examine her wound. Kurt held her hand firmly in his and didn't let her out of his sight for a single second.

"I can't see any exit wound, so the bullet's still in her shoulder. We'll have to operate on her to see if bone fragments may have damaged ligaments or blood vessels.", the doctor tried to explain in a calm voice. He could clearly feel Kurt's tension and although he could not say with a hundred percent probability that the young woman would survive, it was clear that the man at her side was very attached to her. The nurses began to prepare her for surgery and cut open her clothes. What they saw froze them, and Kurt's blood also froze in his veins. They gave him strange looks, but he only had eyes for Jane. She was so incredibly thin that even her underwear seemed too big on her and her tattooed skin was covered with fresh scars. Scars from cuts and burns. She only looked like the lifeless shell of her once beautiful body. Kurt felt the rage boil inside of him. Anger at the CIA, Jane, himself and everyone around him. If he'd been alone, he probably would've devastated the whole hospital. When the nurses led Jane towards the operating theatre, Kurt wanted to follow them, but the nurses made it clear to him in strict words that this was not possible. Suddenly he felt Reade's hand on his shoulder and it was only now that the thought came to him that he hadn't come alone.

Reade could feel Kurt's tension and he knew that he wasn't being well addressed right now. In a soft voice he offered Kurt to wait with him, but he rejected the offer and ordered both of them to go back to headquarters, he would follow them after Jane's operation. Zapata and Reade didn't want to leave him alone in such a situation, but they knew that a protest was rather counterproductive and they also knew that Kurt wouldn't leave Jane's side for the rest of the day.

When the two had left, Kurt walked impatiently up and down the waiting room. His hands kept clenching to fists and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't arrange the thoughts in his head. The frightening images of Jane's broken and motionless body floated before his eyes all the time and his jaw was clearly tense.

"How could you let that happen? How could you ignore that? It happened clearly before your eyes!" His own voice kept screaming at him. Only it did not happen before his eyes, he could hardly bear Jane's sight because of his unsettled feelings. He just walked away from his problems, walked away from her. He turned his back on her and gave her the cold shoulder. He knew it hurt her, but in a sick way her pain had fulfilled him. He wanted to make her pay for her actions and how she had paid for them.

"You're a monster, she didn't deserve all of that. What would you have done in her situation?" He knew the answer. He dropped onto one of the uncomfortable chairs and supported his head in his hands. He had the desire to hit his fist against his temple, but instead his fingers only grabbed tight onto his short hair. His gloomy thoughts tortured him for a few more hours and were only interrupted by the presence of Jane's surgeon. He seemed exhausted and asked Kurt to follow him. His impatience threatened to break out of him, but then Jane's doctor took the floor.

"Your agent got through the operation well, but I have a few questions for you."

Kurt could already guess what the doctor wanted from him and he could feel the throbbing of his heart in his throat.

"You cannot have missed the fact that she's in a very bad physical condition." With these words his feelings of guilt threatened to boil over again and he just nodded.

"Now as a doctor it is my duty to protect my patient from possible dangers, so I wanted to ask you if she is a victim of abuse at home."

"No, she doesn't have a life partner, at least not one that I know of." For an absurd reason, the thought of Jane together with someone else made him jealous. He didn't deserve that kind of feeling after what he had done to her.

"If this is not the case, I can only assume that she has done all this to herself and under these circumstances I have no choice but to refer her to our department for the mentally ill for the time being." Kurt wanted to disagree, she didn't belong there, but then he remembered Jane's body. Apparently, she was a lot worse off than anyone had thought. Nas would get really angry if she found out that Jane couldn't work undercover for now, but Kurt fell the decision to defend and protect her. He had neglected this promise for far too long.

"I can't tell you anything more about Jane's circumstances because this information is classified, but I agree with your decision." The doctor seemed satisfied with his answer and explained to Kurt how Jane's treatment would proceed. She would slowly be adjusted to food again and be fed beforehand with a tube. She also has to have daily conversations with a therapist to get to the bottom of her mental problems and self-destructive behavior and to cure her. Kurt listened attentively to the doctors' orders, but actually he only wanted to see Jane. The doctor seemed to notice this and led him to her room. Kurt stopped abruptly in front of Jane's door. Was he really ready to meet her. He knew he wasn't but he owed it to her. He took another deep breath and slowly entered the room. When he saw her, he was frightened all over again. The hospital bed literally devours her scrawny form. Even more terrifying looked the cables and the devices she was connected to. Kurt was aware that they were keeping her alive, but for an absurd reason it seemed to him as if they were sucking her soul out of her body. The regularly sounding heart monitor and the slow lifting and lowering of her chest assured him that Jane was still alive. What wouldn't he give to see Jane's glowing eyes in that exact moment. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and studied her face. Despite everything that had happened in her life, she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever met and that would probably never change. He reminisced about the times before everything good fell into an abyss. He thought of the looks they threw at each other. Remembered the hugs and happy moments, but also the bad ones in which she trusted him so much. She was sent into this new world without memories of her past and although she hardly knew him, she entrusted her life to him. Suddenly he could feel her tender lips on his as he remembered their kisses a long time ago. In one moment he was planning a future together with Jane which he could never have imagined for himself and the next he forced her on her knees and arrested her. What he wouldn't do to undo his premature actions. But he couldn't. With tears in his eyes he took Jane's cool hand in his and gently kissed the back of it. His next words were hardly a whisper. "I'm so, so sorry, Jane. Please wake up."

_Yeah that's it for the second chapter. Please leave a review if you have time and let me know what you think. By the way thanks itsfridaysomewhere! You made my day with your kind review. The next chapter will concentrate more on Jane again._


	3. Sometimes The Truth Hurts Like Hell

_It's me again. I'm going to try to update at least every second day but I'm in my last year of school and sometimes verry busy. Verry busy! Nevertheless I will try my best. Enjoy the new chapter. ;D_

_I don't own Blindspot..._

**Damaged Soul 3**

**Sometimes The Truth Hurts Like Hell**

It was already shortly after midnight when Jane slowly regained consciousness. Her shoulder hurt and she felt like she had just been run over. Slight panic spread in her chest as she did not recognize her surroundings and could not remember what happened today. The feeling suddenly got worse as she tried to swallow and a foreign object triggered her already irritated emetic reflex. The panic made her blind and she couldn't think of anything else but getting that feeling out of her throat. In the hectic her lungs cramped and she couldn't breathe anymore. Her hands hurriedly palpated her face and when she felt the stomach tube, she grabbed it and pulled it out jerkily. That gave her the rest. Her stomach revolted and she threw up. Suddenly her heart alarm sounded as she had torn the cables from her chest in her panic attack and within seconds nurses and a doctor rushed into her room, closely followed by Kurt. They tried to calm her down but Jane was still in a trance caused by panic. None of the doctors got through to her and when a nurse tried to inject her with a sedative, Kurt couldn't watch any longer. He stepped past the two carers who were about to fix Jane's arms and put his palm on her chest where he felt her heart beating hectically, almost as if it was about to break out of the chest. With the other hand he gently stroked her hair and whispered softly.

"I'm here, Jane. I'm here with you. You're okay. Keep breathing Jane. You're okay, just keep breathing." He repeated the soothing words like a mantra. Just like he did when Jane remembered her kidnapping. He wasn't sure if his voice would really help Jane after all that had happened between them but deep inside she seemed to feel that he meant well because to his amazement her heartbeat started to slow down and her breathing also became calmer. Kurt asked the nurses to step back with his eyes and let Jane go and they hesitantly followed his request. Jane slowly returned to reality and her eyes sought eye contact to the person with the voice she knew. When she saw Kurt her forehead began to wrinkle and her lips moved as if she wanted to say something but no words followed.

"Jane, don't be too hard on yourself. You just had surgery today." She couldn't believe Kurt was with her and not at work. To her even greater amazement he kept eye contact and instead of seeing an annoyed face he looked at her anxiously and lovingly. She couldn't handle it and this time it was her who broke the eye contact. She dropped her head tired on the pillow and looked out of the window. Her petrified facial features overplayed the chaos of feelings that were just boiling up in her. She was exhausted, confused and plagued with pain. In the background she could see how the nurses cleaned her room and Kurt sat back down in his chair, never turning away from her sight. He did not hold her hand like before because he was afraid she would shrink back and shut herself off to him. Which would have been understandable. Jane was almost asleep again when another nurse came into her room to reconnect her to the heart monitor. Finally she approached Jane with a feeding tube and asked her to sit up. Jane feels her heart rate increase and sank back into her pillow.

"Miss Doe, we need to put the tube into your body because your stomach can't handle solid food just yet. It's very uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it." Jane wanted to argue with the nurse and make it clear to her that she didn't need food but she could feel Kurt's gaze on her and had no desire to make him angry. She could remove the tube later. It wasn't because she didn't want to gain weight, but throughout her life eating was the only thing she could control herself. It gave her a sense of power, and she wouldn't sacrifice that power so easily. She reluctantly sat up. The nurse told her that she would insert the stomach tube through her nose and then when she gave her the signal she had to swallow it. She'd never admit it, but she was scared. Shortly she believed that Kurt had moved closer to her but that couldn't possibly be true. He watched the nurse meticulously and laid his hands on Jane's bed. Actually, he wanted to encourage her and hold her hand, but he was sure she wouldn't like that, so he left his hands close to hers in case of need. When the nurse had disinfected the stomach tube she asked Jane to lay her head back against the pillow and to relax. Kurt could barely look as Jane's face distorted in pain and she began to choke. What he hadn't counted on was her hand grabbing his tightly. He was briefly speechless, but it also gave him a sense of hope. Maybe Jane still felt safe around him after all. The moment was quickly over as she realized what she had done. She had tears in her eyes and for a short moment they looked at each other. He smiled at her but she hesitantly pulled her hand away from his and with the back of her hand she dried her tears.

"You should get back to sleep and rest. I'm here if you need anything."

"You don't have to. I will see to it that I am dismissed tomorrow and then I will come back to work and write the report of the case but if Roman demands my help, I'll get back to you as soon as I can." She could see him looking for a suitable answer and a bad feeling spread through her body.

"Jane, I'm sorry that I have to tell you this, but you're not getting out of here anytime soon. Don't worry about Roman and your work. Get back on your feet, and then we'll talk." She didn't want to believe him and got angry.

"You can't lock me up here against my will. I may have no rights, but you need me. Please Kurt, don't leave me here." Her pleading voice and worried eyes almost broke his willpower, but they were talking about her health and he had sworn to himself that he would take care of her.

"It's about your health, Jane. You want to get better, right?"

"I'm fine, Kurt. I don't need your pity!" She was in a rage, what was wrong with him?

"You're okay, Jane, really? Well, look at you, I'm sorry to tell you that but you look terrible."

"Well, you didn't care about that this morning either, so why now? What's changed? I'm still the same woman who lied and cheated on you. You hate me!" Jane looked at him desperately, her lips trembled and she was about to cry. He felt so bad. He and everyone else had managed to break her. Jane, the woman who was able to escape after two months of torture on her own.

"We don't hate you, Jane."

"Oh no, you can't even look at me, you treat me like shit but you know what, I deserve it." Kurt just looked at her sadly. To her amazement he stood up and sat down on the bed and looked deep into her eyes. For a moment she thought he wanted to take her hand again but after a short hesitation it fell back into his lap.

"No, Jane, we don't hate you, we hate ourselves. We've all lost a loved one, a friend and a mentor." As he began to talk about Mayfair, Jane's heart rate began to speed up. It reminded her of the warm blood running over her hands and of the look of a dying woman who realized that she was being betrayed and would not be able to save her friends. Jane's eyes closed in pain, she didn't want to see those pictures anymore.

"We were all devastated, angry and desperate when she disappeared and when we learned that she was actually dead, partly because of a person who was a very good friend to us, who we trusted, who we loved." The last words had only been a soft whisper and Jane was not sure if she had misunderstood him. She looked into his eyes, looking for answers.

"To experience something like that hurts you deep down in your soul, because you lose not only one but two important people in your life. You want to be angry and yet your former feelings always come to light and since you don't know how to deal with them, it makes you even more angry. You believe you can't trust anyone anymore, not even your own instincts. You keep wondering if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Always this question, what if? What if I hadn't let you go home alone and Carter hadn't kidnapped you? What if I'd gotten more involved with you instead of hiding behind my walls like I always do? What if I hadn't lied to you about the isotope test? What if, what if, what if? It makes you crazy Jane." She was completely speechless. She had never really looked at the whole thing from this perspective and she hated herself even more for that. "You're not the only one who made mistakes, but all of us. I shouldn't have arrested you that night." He saw her clearly in front of him as if it had only been yesterday. Her tender face covered in bruises, small wounds and tears. The smell of smoke in her hair. She was shaking.

"I should have let you explain everything but I was devastated when I found Taylor's body and my mind was fogged with alcohol. Deep inside of me I always knew you weren't Taylor but I didn't want it to be true. When I saw her boots, the ones she used to love, it felt like someone punched me in the face, my fuses blew." The whole room seemed to be silent and Jane had forgotten how to breathe. No one had ever confided in her before. She could see his pain and feel it as if it were her own. Kurt looked a little astonished as he felt Jane's tender fingers on his hand. It reminded him of their first encounter in the interrogation room. She seemed just as lost now as she did then. She didn't look at him, but it was a start.

"What I want to tell you Jane is that we all make a mistake. Fate sometimes puts obstacles on our path that seem impossible to overcome, but we can decide how to deal with them. We can blame ourselves or someone else and constantly stay on the spot or we can surpass ourselves and search for a solution. I repent and regret many things in my life, getting to know you is not one of them." Kurt could see that she was tired and he knew that his speech probably confused her very much. This morning he barely noticed her and now he poured his heart out to her. Nevertheless, he was happy to finally be able to apologize. He gently squeezed Janes hand in hope of encouraging her and stood up.

"I'm going to give you some time to think and process now. You should try to sleep Jane, your body needs to rest and when you wake up tomorrow I will be here again. You don't have to go through this alone, because even though I haven't done it in the past months, I'm standing behind you now and I will support you, provided you want my help. If you prefer not to see me then I can understand that and I will respect it as long as you get healthy again." He looked at her for a moment and then slowly walked to the door. When he got to the door, he turned around again.

"We don't hate you, Jane." With these words he left and Jane was alone again with her thoughts. She saw the little mirror on the wall and looked deep into her eyes.

"But I hate myself."

_Yeah, I know, I'm rude. I think this story will be way longer than I imagined. I hope you don't mind. Thanks to everyone how left me a message (review, follow, favorite), you are awesome!_


	4. Forgotten

_Hello my lovely readers! I was so happy when I saw that more people commented on my story and actually seemed to enjoy it. At first I wanted to study for my ethic exam but I just had to write another chapter. To be honest I think it is not as good as my last ones. Nethertheless I hope you will still enjoy it. Let me know what you think._

_Martin Gero...geniues...you know what I mean_

**Damaged Soul **

**Forgotten**

Jane didn't get a wink of sleep all night long although she was incredibly tired. The strange environment and the voice in her head robbed her of her sleep.

"You don't believe him, do you? You can't be that stupid. He'll tell you one lie after another. As you have said, they need you and if you die because of malnutrition, they would have wasted their precious time trying to find you. When you die, they don't have anyone to sacrifice anymore, at least not someone they would voluntarily sacrifice. Look at you. How can you like someone like that, let alone love them? Wake up, remain realistic."

"He seemed sincere." The voice in her head began to laugh hysterically. She sounded like her own, but still strange.

"You're out of your mind! How many people have you manipulated to get what you want?" Jane didn't know the answer to that question, but she felt guilty in a strange way.

"You had your chance at a fresh start, but you threw it away. Give up!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"What's the point?"

"Get out of my head!"

"How's that gonna work? I am you." Jane had a desire to beat something, but she lacked the strength.

"If you want me to disappear, there's only one thing you can do."

"No!"

"Oh come on, what have you got to lose? Friends, family, Kurt? I think you'd please everyone and yourself if you just put an end to your pitiful life."

"Shut up!"

"Miss Doe, are you alright." Jane looked up in horror. Her heart was racing and she could feel the cold sweat on her forehead. The lump in her throat prevented her from speaking, so she only nodded briefly. The nurse looked at her skeptically before she turned around and left her alone again. She had the desire to get up, run away and never come back. She knew she could disappear if she really wanted to, but where should she go? Could she really live with herself, if Sandstorm's plan worked out because of her actions and masses of people would suffer? What would Kurt think of her?

"Why is that still so important to you?" Jane fell back into her pillow exhausted.

"You know why."

"Come on, you can't be serious despite everything that's happened? That's pathetic." She was just about to cry when Patterson entered the room. She seemed hesitant and plagued by a guilty conscience.

"Hey, Jane, you look good." She only looked blank at her face but she knew Patterson meant well. "Tell that to my doctors so I can finally get out of here." This answer could have been interpreted as a joke had it not been for the desperate undertone in her voice. The blonde tried to smile but she didn't succeed. She hesitantly took a seat in the chair where Kurt had been sitting yesterday. Suddenly everyone was so nice to her and seemed worried. Maybe Kurt was right about his apology, maybe they weren't just mad at her.

"You should get that thought right out of your mind." Jane rolled her eyes.

"If you'd rather be alone, I can go. I just wanted to bring you your sketch book. I thought you might want to distract yourself." Jane was moved to tears.

"Thank you." Her voice sounded fragile and her trembling fingers pressed the sketch book firmly to her chest. The few words were replaced by an oppressive silence. Patterson could see how tired and exhausted Jane was. In the past weeks she had already noticed how much her friend had withdrawn and changed. At first she thought it was the aftermath of spending two months at a blacksite, but as Jane got worse and worse, she knew something was wrong. She still felt guilty that she had done nothing to help her, but the atmosphere was bad enough already and she was afraid that if she had taken Jane's side the others would avoid her too. That was ridiculous, of course. Her behavior reminded her of her old school days.

"I'll leave you alone again, you look very exhausted." Jane smiled at her gratefully. It felt really strange for her to suddenly not be ignored anymore and she still didn't have the feeling to deserve so much affection at all. Patterson stood up to say goodbye and gently squeezed her hand.

"Everything's gonna be okay, you're strong, you will get through it." Jane doubted that, but she would never say that directly to the sensitive blonde's face.

When Kurt entered the room, Jane lay asleep in her bed. She looked anything but peaceful though. He felt how this fact weighed heavy on his heart. Not even in her sleep did her demons leave her alone. He knew Jane would probably find it creepy if she ever found out that he watched her while she slept, but he couldn't help himself. He quietly approached her bed and sat down in his armchair. He didn't know what to do in the meantime, so he looked through the room. It looked sad and impersonal, which was to be expected in a hospital. Suddenly his eyes fell on the sketch book on Jane's bedside table. He knew she wouldn't want him to rummage around in her privacy, but then curiosity triumphed over conscience. He took it carefully into his hands so he would not crumple it. On the first pages he could already see how talented she was. How could she be so good at everything? He admired the detailed sketches of her tattoos, but also the free drawings. He imagined Jane sitting on the sofa in her living room, her legs pulled up, pencil in hand and a concentrated facial expression. In those moments she could hopefully forget her worries. When he turned the next page, he was shocked. She had drawn him, and she had drawn him very accurately. When had she done this and how did she know every flaw on his face. He smiled on the picture and even now she had managed to make him smile. He hadn't smiled honestly in a long time. That was Jane's last drawing. Probably this happened around the time when everything broke into pieces and took a turn to the worst.

Kurt carefully closed the sketch book and returned it to its original position. His thoughts threatened to crush him, as so often in the past few months. His eyes fell back on Jane again. His desire to touch her was so incredibly strong he couldn't hold it back. He hesitantly stroked her hand up to her face. He felt her tender skin under his fingertips. They glided carefully and light as a feather over the not yet completely healed scars. He imagined a CIA agent repeatedly hitting, cutting and burning her flesh because he wanted answers she couldn't give him. If he ever met that person, he would probably kill them without paying attention to the consequences. He gently took her cheek in his hand and to his amazement she began to relax and snuggle into his touch. He was afraid to wake her up and although he didn't want to, he slowly pulled his hand back.

"Oh Jane, I would give up everything to hold you in my arms for one more time." What he didn't know was that Jane was already awake. She had closed her eyes tightly and listened attentively.

"God, why did everything have to go so wrong?"

"I wanted to tell you the truth, but I couldn't risk your life or anyone else's." Kurt looked up in amazement when he heard her voice and looked deep into her eyes. For the first time, she didn't look away.

"I know you tried to make that clear to me back to when Nas injected that radioactive drug into your arm and locked you to the lie detector, but my head was not able to process it. I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It was you who told me yesterday that we all made mistakes. We can't change that now. You can't ask me not to hate myself if you don't even forgive yourself."

She was right and yet it was so hard for him to accept the truth. For a brief moment, they both looked at each other seriously when Kurt couldn't stand it any longer and asked the question he had long wanted to ask.

"Jane, why did you stop eating?"

This question threw her completely out of her concept and she looked at him speechlessly. Could she really tell him?

Could she really trust him again?

He probably wouldn't understand it. The voice in her head screamed at her to shut up but the voice of her heart was louder. Her head tried to persuade her that she deserved the pain, but after the long crushing months she longed so much for relief. She longed for Kurt.

"I…I don't know how to explain it." He saw that she was searching for the right explanation.

"I constantly have the feeling that others control my life. At first it was the tattoos and the desire for answers that nobody could or wanted to give me. Then it was the CIA and when I could finally escape, it was my guilty conscience and the urge to stop Sandstorm. Nas threat to turn me back to the CIA probably gave me the rest. I felt like I had nothing under control anymore. The only thing left that I actually had control over was what I ate. I could decide when and how much I would eat. I guess in the end I lost control over that too."

Hot tears began to spill from her eyes and slowly rolled down her cheeks.

"Look at me, I'm ugly."

Kurt was shocked at how forthright she was to him. If he wanted to be honest, he had to admit that he hadn't expected an answer. He looked deep into her eyes and shook his head.

"Not to me. You already cast a spell over me the first time I saw you."

She couldn't believe him and burst out into tears again. Her pain overpowered him and he could no longer stand it. He stood up without hesitation and took her firmly in his arms. She hadn't expected it and her body stiffened. His hands stroked comfortingly over her back and she felt his warmth. Kurt's closeness and the feeling of lying against him felt so incredibly good and her muscles started to relax. Her arms, which she had wrapped tightly around her, loosened and clawed onto Kurt's side. He was her anchor and she would never let him go again. The same applied to Kurt. Being so close to her was all he wanted. He buried his face in her hair and took in her sweet smell. None of them let go of the other one. Not even when Jane stopped crying and slowly fell asleep. When he noticed her calm even breath he carefully lay down onto the bed with her still firmly in his arms. She snuggled up to him even harder. Kurt suddenly felt how exhausted he was himself. He made sure that Jane lay comfortably and then closed his eyes.

Maybe everything would finally change for the better. So that's the story how both ended up in Jane's hospital bed with peaceful faces and asleep. In this exact moment the worries and problems seemed forgotten.


	5. Stupid Love

_I'm back. This time it took me a little bit longer to update but I'm sick. I twill try to write several chapters tomorrow because next week will be a crazy one. I have three exams and two of them are verry difficult. Why again did I think it would be the right choice to study biomedical engineering? Nevermind my personal problems and have fun with this chapter._

_I still don't and never will own Blindspot._

**Damaged Soul **

**Stupid Love**

Jane woke up with a smile on her face. She had never imagined that she would ever fall asleep in Kurt's arms after all that had happened. In the night she woke up at short notice. She was surprised when she lay next to something warm and two strong arms wrapped around her tender form. Kurt's arms. Her eyes looked carefully at his face. He seemed peaceful. She hadn't seen him like this for a long time. Not since he had arrested her. She cuddled even closer to his chest and her hand gently touched the short beard on his cheek. With her thumb she gently stroked him over the eyebrow down to his temple. She wished she could simply kiss away the delicate wrinkles of worry that had developed over the past months. Although he didn't wake up from her touches, his arms closed even tighter around her fragile body. Jane wished this moment would never end and decided to enjoy it as long as she could. With a slight sigh she closed her eyes, leaned her head on his chest and fell asleep again with his rhythmic breathing movements. All the greater was the shock as she woke up in the morning and he wasn't lying by her side. His warmth had disappeared and her bed suddenly seemed so empty. Her smile turned into a surprised facial expression. For a short moment she thought worried he had changed his mind and fled, furiously at his moment of weakness. She never thought it could get any worse.

"Good morning sleepyhead." She would recognize this voice everywhere.

"I thought you wouldn't wake up from your sweet sleep anymore." Her eyes searched in panic for the familiar face. There he stood, leaning casually against the door, his arms crossed in front of his chest and a small smile on his face that never reached his eyes.

"Roman? What are you doing here?"

"I could also ask you that exact same question." He slowly approached her and every meter he approached made her heart beat more hectically.

"My beloved sister didn't respond to my messages so I did some research and found out that she was in hospital with a gunshot wound. Of course I came as fast as I could." With his last words he stood by her side. His facial expression seemed honestly worried, but Jane could feel that something was wrong.

"What if someone sees you?" Jane asked with a played steady voice and looked around, searching for Kurt.

"Oh, don't worry, your team was called to an urgent case." She could feel that he had something to do with it.

"Your friend Kurt left you a lovely message so that you won't worry." A lump began to form in Jane's throat and with every second she became more anxious. Roman took a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and read the letter out loud.

"Jane, I'm sorry that I wasn't here when you woke up. I hope you don't blame yourself. Patterson informed me about an urgent case and as hard as it was for me I had to leave. Rest and listen to your doctors. I'll come back to you as soon as I can. In love Kurt." Jane felt relieved for a second. So he had not changed his mind. Her brother's voice destroyed her short moment of happiness.

"Isn't that sweet." His eyes shimmered darkly.

"You really wrapped him around your little finger. One could almost believe that you really feel something for him." Jane wanted to swallow, but her mouth was too dry. Despite everything she tried to keep up her cover. Her facial expression became neutral and she spoke with a confident voice.

"That's my job isn't it?"

"Indeed." His voice was suddenly cool and his face suddenly turned red out of anger.

"There is only one problem." Dead silence spread around the room and Jane knew she was in trouble.

"You lie". She tried to save herself from the situation and had an excuse ready when his hand movement ordered her to remain silent.

"Don't make it worse with even more lies!" She had never experienced Roman like this before and she felt ice-cold. She could see how angry he was, but his eyes looked at her sadly.

"Shepherd didn't trust you from the beginning. I explained to her that it's understandable that after two months of torture and memory loss you're not the same person you used to be and she gave you another chance." When he mentioned Shepherd, she got sick.

"I was hoping my sister would come back to me. From the beginning I didn't want you to complete this mission, but you insisted that nobody else could do the job. You didn't think of me for a second. You were the only family I had left and you just walked away. When you came back I was so happy. Now I know how naive that was of me." Silence.

"You already have a new family." Jane could feel his pain and it became her own. She shook her head and because her feelings of guilt were greater than her fear she took his hands firmly into hers. He was still her brother and she loved him with all her heart.

"Roman, listen to me. I am still me. I have not lied to you, I would never do that." He tore himself away from her hands and took a step back.

"We'll see about that." With these words he took a syringe out of his jacket pocket and stabbed it into her neck. He was so fast that she couldn't defend herself. She gasped briefly and with trembling hands she took the syringe and removed it looking stunned at the object. Her eyes moved to look at him in horror and panic, but before she could say anything, her body sank back into her bed. Jane fought against the drug in her system, but in the end the darkness won and everything around her turned black.

Kurt walked tense along the corridor of the hospital towards Jane's room. This morning the ringing of his phone woke him up and he picked up quickly so as not to disturb Jane who was still asleep in his arms. She was smiling. He asked Patterson in a whispering voice if she could wait a moment. Against his will, he carefully released his grip and slowly entwined himself out of her firm embrace. Who would have thought that her thin arms still had so much strength? He covered her gently with a blanket, kissed her forehead and left the room with one last glance. He quietly closed the door and asked Patterson to continue.

"Kurt, I'm sorry if I'm intruding, but we have received information that hostages are being held in a factory and you must come immediately." Kurt rubbed his face in annoyance. He didn't need something like that at the moment. He left Jane a message so she wouldn't worry when she woke up and hurried back to FBI headquarters. His team was already waiting for him and after he had changed they drove together to the emergency call point. During the ride he had to think of Jane all the time. He hoped that after yesterday's conversation she could actually believe what he felt for her. He couldn't bear to lose her and prayed that the hospital stay would help her recover. He wanted her old, strong and unique self back. When they arrived at the factory he ordered him to keep clear thoughts and not be distracted. After a team meeting, they surrounded and stormed the building. To their surprise they found out that there was no hostage situation at all. The staff only looked at them in horror and after thoroughly examining the whole factory they could not find any inconsistencies. They interviewed everyone and after apologizing to the factory manager for the disturbance, they drove back.

"That was strange," said Zappate, who sat behind the wheel and gave Reade a funny look.

"Patterson, are you sure this was the right address?"

"Absolutely, but I'll trace who called 911," her voice sounded through the phone. Kurt had a bad feeling and his instinct told him something was wrong. He changed clothes quickly and decided to look for Jane. On the way to her room his pulse started to get faster. He quietly opened the door and entered the room. His heart stopped. Jane was not lying in her bed. He was about to ask a nurse if she had been picked up for an examination when he saw the cell phone on her bedside table. It rang. The hairs on his neck stood up and he knew something had happened. His knuckles turned white, so tightly did he grip the phone and answered with a growling voice.

"If you touch even one of her hairs I swear to you I will find you and..." A woman's voice interrupted him. Her laughter was sinister and her voice sounded bitter.

"Hello Kurt." He had a feeling he knew the voice, but he couldn't remember where from.

"Who are you and why did you kidnap Jane?"

"Kidnapped her? That sounds so harsh. I can assure you that she is doing fine here with us." Kurt felt a spark of relief.

"At least for now." His jaw was tense and his teeth were grinding. The voice continued.

"I'm sure you want your beloved Jane back again, don't you?" He knew she was playing with him, but if it would bring Jane back to them, he was ready to play.

"What do they want?" His tone didn't seem to worry her the slightest.

"I will send you an address and you will arrive on time. If you are late, Jane is dead. If you don't come alone, Jane is dead. If you do anything to fool us, well I think you understand what I mean." Kurt was boiling with rage and his heart was racing. He was about to say something when the woman ended the call. His fist hit the wall and he wanted to destroy the phone, but he needed it to find Jane. That it was most likely a trap was obvious, but he had no choice but to obey. The phone rang again and as soon as he had received the address, he was on his way.

The address led him to an abandoned residential area. It couldn't have been more insidious. Kurt got out of the car carefully and with his gun drawn, he entered the neglected front yard. The place was perfectly chosen. It was abandoned, there were no surveillance cameras anywhere in the area and if he was to scream no one would hear him. His sense told him he should immediately turn back and find another more appropriate way to save Jane but his heart ordered him to do what the voice on the phone demanded. Although he didn't know the woman he could tell that she was serious and had nothing good in mind. He kicked in the half-open door of the decaying house and entered quietly. The floor under his feet creaked. He crept along the dark hallway and stopped in front of a closed door. His hand grabbed the doorknob. He counted to three internally and entered the room full of verve with his weapon raised. The room was empty except for one table. There was a note on the top. He carefully picked it up and read the handwritten sentence.

Love makes a person do stupid things.

He hears a sound coming from behind, but just as he was about to turn around, he received a violent blow to the back of his head and the world vanished before his eyes.

_Who had thought that something like that would happen. Next chapter will be up tomorrow. The next week I'm going to try to update every second day but it might happen that you will have to wait for a little bit longer. The time befor Christmas break is always a very busy one. I promise you that I will finish this story so you can be sure that if I don't update on time it's probably because I'm busy, not because I forgot. Please leave a review and have a nice day._


	6. Please Wake Up

_I think this is my longest chapter of all. It's not that much longer than usually but at least a little bit. As I said I'm going to be very busy but I will most probably manage to update again on Tuesday. Have a nice day and let me know what you think of this chapter. Thank you to everyone how left me a message (review, follow, favorite)_

_The characters belong to MG..._

**Damaged Soul **

**Please Wake Up**

Jane regained consciousness with a throbbing headache. Her hand slowly rubbed her temples. When she opened her eyes she had no orientation. Everything was dark. She sat up with trembling hands and realized that she was no longer in her hospital. Not even in a real bed. Her eyes slowly got used to the darkness and all she could see were bare walls. No windows, no light. She was lying on an old thin mattress in the back corner of the room. The outfit she wore reminded her of her suit from the Blacksite. Across from her, she recognized an iron door. On all fours she crawled over the cold concrete floor. The drug she was injected with wouldn't let her get up without immediately falling down again. Her muscles were just too weak. When she was at the door she listened for voices or any other sign that she was not alone. She couldn't hear anything. Her brain was desperately trying to figure out where she was and how to get out. She hit the door hard with both fists. Over and over again.

"Roman! Let me out! I didn't cheat on you! Roman!" She screamed with all her might. That went on for half an hour until she had given up the hope that he would hear her and free her. She leaned with her back against the door and sadly buried her face in her hands. She could feel the tears on her cheek and her voice began to tremble.

"Kurt." She hoped he was safe. She knew Shepherd would do everything to get what she wanted.

One floor above her, Kurt also slowly regained consciousness. The pain in the back of his skull spread all over his head and he could feel the dried blood on his neck. When he opened his eyes timidly he was blinded by a bright light. He wanted to protect himself with his hands but they were tied to a chair. Just like his feet. He tried to tear himself free but the ropes only tightened and cut into his flesh.

"Ah see, Sleeping Beauty has awakened." That voice again. The unknown figure stepped out of the light with a broad devilish smile. She looked like the woman on the picture Jane painted. She balanced a knife in her hand and pierced him with her gaze. Again the woman looked familiar to him. Her hard features and blonde curly hair. Pictures from his youth appeared before his eyes, but he couldn't exactly arrange them.

"Today is an unfortunate day Kurt." she approached him and kneeled down to meet his eye level. He looked at her angrily.

"Where is Jane?" As he growled, she stood up again and walked around the room.

"I gotta say it's nice to be in the same room as you again." She ignored his question and continued as if they had just happened to meet in a bar and were now having a chat.

"You know, that day we met at the academy, you had so much anger inside of you, but so much potential to fight for what's right. I saw a lot of myself in you." His left eye twitched angrily and suddenly he remembered her. He had just left the director's office and there she stood, giving him a speech. Had he known then what she would do in the future, he would have killed her. However, he probably never would have met Jane if he had done that. If she wanted to talk to him now, he could at least try to get some answers.

"Is that why you've been manipulating my life? Why you've send Jane to me with all the tattoos? What's it all for?" She smiled at him.

"Kurt, you and I, we're saving this country." This woman had to suffer from hallucinations. She seemed incredibly convinced of what she was saying.

"I didn't know when I first met you that day how important you would be to all of this. When Remi and I formulated the tattoo plan, I saw an opportunity to put you in it. And it feels comforting to know that you'll be there to help when the time comes". Kurt got sick and he raged of fury.

"How do you think I will ever help you? Be part of your plan?" She shook her head and approached him with quick steps.

"We're the same Kurt." She touched her heart.

"Can't you see that? We both fight for what's right! We both hate corruption in all its forms! You've seen yourself firsthand that this country needs a revolution!", she answered in a desperate voice. Shepherd kneeled down to him again and put her hands on his knees. She looked at him manically. He just shook his head stunned.

"We're on the same team here. How many more will have to die before you realize we want the same thing?" He couldn't help but interrupt her, so great was his anger.

"No, we don't." He gave her a death glare.

"You're a terrorist." She looked at him slightly disappointed.

"That's what the law says but do you ever consider that the law is wrong?" That's what all crazy criminals thought. A sarcastic laugh came over his lips and he shook his head annoyed. Shepherd just sighed. Now it was her turn to smile devilishly at him and she shook her head. She slowly stood up and marched through the room.

"Hmm." She inhaled deeply.

"Therein lies the big difference between us. You play by the rules, I believe the rules need to change." She looked at him with sinister eyes.

"Only I know what it really means to make sacrifices for a greater cause than yourself." Shepherd leaned calmly against a table and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Suddenly the door behind her opened and two muscular men carried Jane's thin figure in. Kurt went blind with rage as he saw how tightly they grabbed her upper arms. Jane had a panicked and tense facial expression and he could see that she was far too pale. She looked at him anxiously. He fought again against his shackles and almost could have ripped himself free when Shepherd suddenly pressed her knife to Jane's throat.

"You're the reason my only daughter turned her back on me." She grabbed Jane's lower jaw and whispered in her ear.

"Rammed a dagger into my heart." Her grief didn't sound very convincing.

"I have to be honest, I had everything in mind during the planning and I expected everything. But not that she would fall in love with you." A small drop of blood ran down Jane's throat as Shepherd pressed her knife harder against her skin.

"Even after two months of torture we couldn't convince her to come back to us, even though you didn't treat her very well. I mean, take a look at her. She didn't even look that bad when I rescued her from the orphanage." Kurt's heart became heavy. So she had known all along that Jane had lied, or at least suspected it.

"She claims not to be on your side." Shepherd laughed bitterly.

"Normally, I would have killed her long ago, but since she's my daughter, I give her one last chance to prove her loyalty to me." That couldn't mean anything good and Kurt knew what would probably follow. Shepherd pushed Jane to the ground and threw the knife right in front of her feet.

"If you really are who you pretend to be, kill him!"

Jane didn't know how much time had passed. She didn't know what Shepherd was going to do with her. She didn't even know if the team was safe. The only thing she was sure of was that she probably wouldn't get out of here alive. She had already accepted her death. She was still leaning against the cold door, her tears had long since dried. She thought of Kurt, saw his face before her eyes. Life gave her another chance with him, but after a few moments it had vanished again. Didn't she deserve any happiness at all. Fate is a traitor. She thought of her former life. Her life before Kurt, the FBI and when she crawled out of that bag. What terrible, unforgivable things had she done to deserve all of this? She didn't want to know.

Suddenly she could hear footsteps on the other side of her prison and crawled back into the corner where the mattress lay. She wrapped her arms protectively around herself and prepared for anything that might happen. She heard somebody unlock the door and suddenly light shone into the room. Two muscular men she hadn't seen before stepped in and approached her. They grabbed her painfully by her arms and dragged her behind them. Jane tried to keep up with them, but her knees trembled too much. She looked around hectically. Her instincts tried to find a way to escape, but in her condition she knew it was impossible.

"Where are you taking me? Where is Roman?" No answer. The two men dragged her up a floor and suddenly they stood in front of a door again. When it opened, she felt sick. There in front of her stood Shepherd with a knife in her hand and Kurt was tied against a chair by his arms and legs. So they had kidnapped him. Was the rest of the team here too? Her eyes looked across the room and finally landed on Kurt again. He watched her anxiously and tried to tear himself away when she suddenly felt a cold blade on her neck. Her heart stopped. Kurt paused in his attempt to free himself and his face became dark. Shepherd's voice caused a shiver down her spine and she could feel her mother's warm breath on her ear and neck. She grabbed her by the face and the skin on her neck began to hurt as the knife cut lightly into her throat. Shepherd talked about her betrayal and the orphanage and Jane realized that she was on to her from the beginning.

Suddenly she was brutally knocked to the ground and the concrete ripped open the tender skin of her arms and knees. Shepherd threw her knife in front of her feet and the next words brought her world to a halt.

"If you really are who you pretend to be, kill him!"

The words kept echoing through Jane's head and she could hear her heartbeat. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. What should she do? It was impossible for her to kill Kurt.

"Just do it!", shouted the voice in her head and Jane desperately closed her eyes. When she opened them again she looked at the weapon before her and back into Shepherds eyes. If looks could kill. Jane exhaled heavily and reached for the knife with trembling fingers. Her hand wrapped around the handle and with wobbly legs she stood up and turned in Kurt's direction. Lots of tears poured down her cheeks and her lips trembled. Her breathing was shallow. Kurt looked at her calmly. If he had to die to save Jane's cover and her life, so be it. He nodded gently at her, gave her the consent. Jane's facial expression was the epitome of pure despair and fear. She slowly approached him and lifted the knife up, ready to strike. She looked deep into his blue eyes. He smiled softly at her to say goodbye. She raised her hand again, struck, but before the knife could penetrate his skin it fell to the ground and Jane threw her arms around his neck, sobbing. She could never kill him. If he died, she would too. A feeling of guilt came over her. She had involved him in her shattered and dangerous life.

"I knew it, my Remi is already dead." Kurt and Jane looked at Shepherd in panic, but instead of killing them immediately she turned around and left the room.

"Lock them up again, I have something special planned with them." The two men approached Jane and tore her away from Kurt. She tried to hold on to him, but she couldn't do anything against them.

"Kurt! No, let me go!" She struggled against their hold with her whole body and Kurt fought to get free again. Suddenly more men appeared and gave him another blow to the head and he collapsed unconscious. The men carried him into Jane's cell and shoved her brutally back into it too. She got up and stumbled to the door. The men were able to close it in time and Jane's fists slammed against the metal.

"I'll kill you all!" Her voice echoed through the room. She hit the door once more before calming down again. Her back leaned against the wall and she saw Kurt's unconscious form lying on the mattress. She hurried to his side on wobbly legs and examined his head wound. Fresh blood ran over the already dry one and onto her clothes as she placed his head in her lap. She gently stroked his hair and face. Her tears rolled down her cheeks and onto his forehead.

"I am so sorry, Kurt. It's all my fault."

"Please wake up."

_Has someone noticed that I used a scene of one of the episodes from season two. It's the talk between Kurt and Shepherd. I really loved that one._


	7. Shattered Into A Million Tiny Pieces

_Wow I really managed to upload the new chapter on time. I am verry sorry but the next one will probably come next Tuesday because I have even more work to do than I imagined. I try my best to upload it on Saturday but we will see. This story turns into a completely different direction than I had planned but I kinda like it. I constantly have new ideas and I have to stop myself from starting to write a second story. I think I have to warn you. This story will get quite dark but I promise you there will be a happy end. Have fun with this chapter._

_No rights and so on..._

**Damaged Soul **

** Shattered Into A Million Tiny Pieces**

Patterson found it extremely odd that the call about the hostage situation was just a fake. She tried to find out where the call came from and who the caller was, but the number was not traceable. The voice recognition did not work either. This made her suspicious and she was just about to inform Zapata and Reade when the hospital called her.

"Hello, Patterson on the phone." Hopefully Jane was fine, but if she wasn't, Kurt would have definitely informed her.

"Hello, Miss Patterson. We're calling because Jane Doe is no longer at the hospital but is not listed as deregistered. Since we couldn't reach her emergency contact, we wanted to ask if she is under your care.", a nurse replied. Now she was even more displeased. Before she could continue, she made her way to the main office where she found Reade and Zapata.

"No, as far as I know Kurt Weller wanted to visit her in the hospital but I was not informed that he wanted to take her somewhere.

"Then unfortunately it is our duty to report her as missing and we will inform you as soon as she shows up again."

"Thank you, I'll let you know if I see her after all."

"If you do, you should call an ambulance. We can't confirm yet that it's healthy for her to be on the road so soon after the surgery."

"Thank you for this information, I will do that." Patterson hung up with shaky fingers and her colleagues were already giving her strange looks.

"What happened, is Jane alright?" Zapata had been the least friendly towards Jane in the last few months, but since she was in the hospital she was slowly starting to warm up again."

"She is no longer at the hospital and Weller is also unreachable." Both immediately jumped up and waited for orders.

"How can we help?", Reade asked with a serious expression and looked at the blonde expectantly. She immediately went to work and tried to locate Kurt's mobile phone. When she didn't succeed, she tried his car.

"I can't locate either his cell phone or his car, but his last location was at that address." You could tell by her voice how worried she was. She entered the address into her computer and opened the satellite image.

"What was Kurt doing in this area, it's completely deserted? Didn't he actually want to visit Jane?" Zapata was clearly tense and cracked her fingers nervously. Everyone knew that this had something to do with today's emergency call.

"According to his mobile phone, he was there too."

" Somebody probably kidnapped Jane and then told Kurt to come to this address." Reade tried to sort out his thoughts and guesses.

"But who would kidnap Jane?"

"The only logical candidate would be Roman or one of Sandstorm, but that would mean..." Patterson did not finish. Everyone knew what that meant. Either Jane had defected, or more likely one of Sandstorm had found out that Jane was on the side of the FBI. Maybe there was even a mole. Worse still, maybe there were several. Patterson looked around nervously and told the others to follow her back to her lab.

"Something is going terribly wrong and we have to try to free Kurt," Zapata said in a whisper.

"And Jane." Patterson wanted to make it clear once again that she couldn't believe her friend had anything to do with this. She looked at both of them seriously. The team decided to inform Nas and then Reade and Zapata went to Kurt's last location. There wasn't a single soul in the area, not even a few wild teenagers or homeless people. So there would be no witnesses to question. When they arrived exactly at the last GPS signal of his car, they got out vigilantly. Like Kurt before them, they crept through the front yard with their gun drawn and entered the half-decayed house. They searched all the rooms and corners of the house and what they found in the living room did not calm their nerves. The room seemed to be perfectly cleaned despite its condition, but there was a small drop of blood on the edge of the table. The two looked at each other worriedly and called the forensics. Perhaps the perpetrator had overlooked something else.

In the meantime, Jane was still sitting on the thin mattress with Kurt's head in her lap. She stroked his hair and wouldn't let him out of her sight. Her cheeks were still wet, but it felt like she had used up all her tears and her eyes were bloodshot. The pain in her shoulder became stronger again and she felt weaker from minute to minute. Her head hurt and her vision began to blur. She fought against it and kept squeezing her eyes tightly together just to rip them open again hoping the black dots would disappear. She couldn't pass out now. Then they would both be defenseless. She had to take care of both of them. That was the least she could do to make sure nothing happened to Kurt.

"In your condition you can't protect him anyway. Look at you, you can't even stand straight with your wobbly legs." There she was again, that cursed voice. She had not noticed that her back had sunk against the wall. Her head rested on her shoulder, but she kept stroking Kurt's hair, albeit with shaky hands. In her condition she had not heard the two men coming. One of them sized Jane up just before pulling her into a standing position by her arms and lifting her body onto his shoulder. Jane collapsed like a sack. She had no strength to defend herself nor was her mind really aware of the situation. Kurt's head fell on the mattress.

"Kurt." Her voice was weak, almost like a whisper. The man carried her as if she were light as a feather out of the room and the last thing she saw was Kurt's seemingly lifeless body.

Kurt regained consciousness. Again, with a headache. He looked around slowly. Luckily this time he was not tied to a chair. Although that cell wasn't much better either. Suddenly he remembered the events of the day and sat up jerkily. He immediately regretted it because the pain in his head suddenly became much stronger. He massaged his forehead and leaned against the wall. Where was Jane? What was Shepherd to do with them? So many questions to which he knew no answer. He tried to get up again, this time more carefully and he supported himself with his hands. His vision blurred for a short moment, but he managed to concentrate. His eyes had become accustomed to the darkness of the room and he went to the door without stumbling.

"Jane!" No answer. He tried again, but also this time he got no answer. Actually he wanted to give up, but all good things go by three. This time someone had heard him, but unfortunately he did not hear the voice he had expected.

"Kurt?" It was Zapata's. The spark of disappointment faded and hope spread through him. Maybe his team had already found Jane and would now come to his rescue. He hit the door hard to draw attention to himself.

"I'm here!" He heard Zapata break open the lock and the door opened with a swing. Relief could be seen in the face of his team, but they looked at him with concern.

"Did you find Jane?" Her silence was answer enough. Kurt ran down the hallway in spite of his pain and called for Jane in panic.

"Kurt!" He didn't hear Zapata's and Reade's voice. Only when Reade grabbed him by the arm did he turn around and look at him angrily.

"Kurt, she's not here. We searched the whole building, but you're the only one we could find. There is neither a trace of Jane, nor of Sandstorm." He spoke with a soothing voice and what happened next he had never experienced before. Kurt, his boss and friend, burst into tears. He had never done that before. Jane really seemed to have an enormous influence on him. He hit the wall with his fist, blinded by anger and fear.

"Shepherd will kill her! We have to find her!" Zapata lay her hand on his shoulder and looked deep into his eyes.

"We will, but you have to get examined, your head..." She didn't get any further without being interrupted by him.

"No way, Jane has no time left. Shepherd said she had something planned with us. How could you even find me?"

"We'll explain that to you on the way to the hospital." She raised her hands up to prevent him from interrupting her again.

"Your head looks bad and what kind of help would you be for Jane if you suddenly collapsed because of your injuries?" He remained silent and nodded although his heart told him not to waste any time.

Roman's voice was the first thing she heard.

"I don't think that's a good idea, we don't know what would happen in her condition." She kept her eyes closed and listened to the conversation.

"Either we do it like this or you kill her." Silence.

"She cheated and lied to us. What she has done is betrayal. The sister you think you know no longer exists. She is already dead!" Shepherd yelled at him.

"This is the only chance to get her back and avenge Kurt and his team at the same time." Her voice sounded softer, though in a sinister way.

"He took her from you and now we take her from him. That's the only kind of torture that really hurts him. Let him bleed!" Jane could no longer listen blindly and opened her eyes. She was tied to a bed and in a kind of operating room. She tried to fight against her shackles and her head turned panically back and forth. Her eyes landed on Romans.

"Roman, please untie me! Please, I beg you. We are a family after all." at these words he boiled with rage and his face turned all red.

"No we are not, because my sister would never have done what you did!"

"Roman you must believe me, I wanted to save you. I would never have let you down! I love you!"

"Enough!" Shepherd approached her angrily and looked deep into her eyes, full of hate and scum.

"What you did is unforgivable. You deserve to die, but death would not be the worst thing for you. At first we thought about killing Kurt, but then I had a much better idea." Jane didn't like that tone at all and she turned as pale as a ghost. Her breath stopped and her heart beat like crazy.

"I thought about how I could punish you both best and suddenly I got an idea." She stroked Jane's face softly with her hand and Jane retreated disgusted. She smiled bitterly at her and went to one of the work surfaces.

"What are you going to do?"

"We're trying to save you Jane." Now Roman was at her side and took her hand. She looked at him briefly and then looked into Shepherd's direction again. When she turned around she froze. Her mother held a syringe in her hand and Jane knew immediately what it contained.

"Roman, please, no! Not again, I would not survive that. Please!" He only looked at her painfully and distanced himself from her side. She tried to grab his hand, but the shackles did not allow it.

"The biggest punishment for Kurt is to lose you and yours is to lose him. You are your weaknesses. Your rabbits and I will make them bleed. We'll erase your memory again and reprogram it so you can never trust Kurt again. Your hatred for him will be too great. And then we will destroy this country together and he will live forever in his guilt and the knowledge that he couldn't save you. Everything he once loved about you will be lost."

"No, please!" Jane's tears streamed down her cheeks.

"That will be his death." Shepherd smiled at her. Jane tried desperately to get free, she gave all she had but in the end it wasn't enough. Her mother punched the syringe into her neck and her world turned black. The life she build had ended once again.

_Please let me know what you think and if I should even continue this story. _


	8. Caught In A Nightmare

_And I'm back. One day later than I expected but at least earlier than Tuesday. This is by far the longest chapter of this story. Maybe that will make up for the one day delay. As always I want to thank everyone who left me a message. You are the ones that keep me motivated. The next update will very likely come on Tuesday again. It depends on my exams. Have fun with this chapter and leave me a message (please). :D_

_Martin Gero...(this is getting very annoying :"D)_

**Damaged Soul **

**Caught In A Nightmare**

Warmth. Silence. Pain. All these impressions rushed over her. She had the feeling that she had to associate something with it, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't. Where was she? Why was she here? Who is she? Her head was empty. She could not remember anything. She sat up in panic and her wide-open eyes searched the room. But what were they looking for? She noticed that she was sitting in a bed. It was not a special one. The walls of the room were white and bare and there was no other piece of furniture in it but the cot. There were no curtains around the windows and she could see green branches, maybe a forest. Her head hurt, but curiosity triumphed and she tried to get up. Her legs were already touching the ground, but as she tried to stand up with her arms, she felt a stabbing pain in her shoulder. It was bandaged and the gauze was stained with dried blood. What had happened to her? Suddenly she saw the drawings on her skin. She rubbed them, but they could not be removed. Tattoos? Why did she have tattoos all over her body? Her heart began to race. She again had the feeling of having to remember something, but her head was completely empty. Despair and fear overcame her and tears made their way down her cheeks. Her whole body trembled. Suddenly the door to the room opened and a man with blond hair and a scar on his face entered. Her instincts were stronger than her pain and she stumbled out of bed and into the furthest corner of the room, her arms wrapped around her protectively. The stranger stopped and looked at her with a happy but at the same time worried face. He lifted his hands to show that he didn't want to hurt her.

"Be careful, your body is still weak." He slowly stepped towards her, but she only pushed herself more into the corner.

"Who are you and why am I here? Where am I?" Who am I and why do I remember nothing? So many questions went through her head. The man only looked at her soothingly.

"I am Roman, your brother." Her brother. That could not be true. She would certainly remember him. Yet she couldn't remember anything at all.

"Why do I remember nothing, what happened to me?" She looked down at herself and into his eyes again. He slowly came closer once more. This time she did not retreat and he saw it as a sign. He knelt down in front of her and his arms reached out. Her gaze panicked and her body stiffened.

"I have to take you back to bed, you need rest to recover? Actually she wanted to defend herself, but she felt her bones hurt and how exhausted she suddenly felt now that the adrenaline had worn off. He carefully lifted her up and carried her back to bed. He smelled of grass and a hint of iron. The smell did not calm her.

"I finally want to know what's going on". Her brother tucked her back in and looked at her thoughtfully. Her gaze remained steadfast and he seemed to know that she would not rest until she knew what was going on.

"We found you like this." What did that mean? Roman saw her confused facial expression and went on to tell the story as Shepherd had told him. He didn't want to lie to Remi, but he would if it was the only way to get his sister back. He just hoped the dose would be high enough this time. If she should start to remember something, he would have to kill her. There would be no hope.

"You used to work for the FBI. You always wanted to make the world a better place." Silence.

"For some time everything seemed to be going well, but then you realized that your team, your friends, were keeping secrets from you. They started to shut you out and your feeling told you that something was wrong. As always, you were right." Suddenly he became angry and his face began to redden.

"They had lied and cheated on you from the beginning. Used you for their illegal missions." He took a photo out of his jacket pocket.

"This man, Kurt Weller, he was the only one you thought you were safe with." It sounded like he was spitting out the name.

"You were in love with him and you trusted him. You went to him with your evidence of corruption, wanted to tell him about it." He paused briefly and tried to stay calm. He gently pressed her hand and looked into her eyes.

"It turned out that he was the leader of the group, but you were blinded by love and didn't see it coming." He swallowed hard and her heart beat fast.

"You wanted to flee, but he had found you. He shot you, but you somehow managed to escape."

He shook his head as if he couldn't believe how she had done it.

"We found you. You lay unconscious in our driveway, covered in blood." She could see the tears in his eyes.

"I thought I'd lost you." She was completely overwhelmed with all the new information. The story would explain her gunshot wound, but inside of her she could feel that something was wrong.

"We?" Roman looked at her questioningly.

"You said you found me."

"Shepherd and I, our mother." Her mother? Was she here?

"Can I see her?"

"She's busy right now, and you need to rest, but I'm gonna tell her you asked for her." Actually Jane wanted to disagree, but she could feel her eyes getting heavy. Roman also seemed to notice this because he got up carefully and went to the door. Before he disappeared he stopped again and told her to rest. Shepherd would explain everything to her later. She still had so many questions, but her eyes closed and she fell into a restless sleep.

Kurt was at his wits end. They had simply given everything to find Jane, but nothing had brought them any closer. He sat in his office with his shoulders hanging and his face in his hands.

They saw him cry once, he wouldn't let that happen a second time. If Jane were here, she would tell him that it is not a weakness to show your emotions, but a strength. But she was not here. She was trapped in Shepherd's claws. She was hurt, weak, nobody could know what they would do to her there. Certainly nothing good after what she had done. If only she had killed him. He would have preferred that.

Kurt remembered her face as she stood over him with the knife in her hand. The huge amount of tears pouring out of her eyes. She trembled and her gaze showed him her fear of death. He came to terms with his death. He closed his eyes so she wouldn't have to look at him when she stabbed him. The seconds that passed felt like hours. But then something completely different happened than he had expected. Kurt heard the knife go down and before he could open his eyes, he felt her arms around his neck. That felt so good and he wanted to hold her forever, but he was still tied to the chair. They tore her away from him and despite her circumstances she fought against the men. Her body turned in all directions, she struggled with her limbs. He tore at his bonds. They cut his joints, but he would have been released by a hair. He couldn't remember any more. They had knocked him unconscious again.

Kurt looked at his burned wrists. Shepherd was planning something with them. So why had she let him go? What was her plan? Suddenly the team came into his office. They all had sad facial expressions.

"What? Did you find her?" They looked at each other and there seemed to be some kind of silent conversation between them. No one wanted him to ask what was burning on their hearts. It was Zapata who began to speak. She had probably lost.

"No, Kurt, we're sorry, but could it be that Shepherd killed her?"

Dead silence. Kurt looked at her in disbelief. She couldn't be serious. The team took a few steps back when Kurt got up abruptly, his chair almost fell over. He hit the desk with his fists and looked at her boiling with rage. If looks could kill.

"No, that can't be! Shepherd said she was up to something with us." He got up and walked hectically through his office.

"How did you even get the idea?" No one looked him in the eye. That couldn't mean anything good.

"Patterson?" His patience was hanging by a thread. The blonde had tears in her eyes.

"Kurt, you might want to sit down." Reade was the only one who dared to speak, but his words didn't reach Kurt.

"I asked, how did you get the idea that Jane was dead?" His voice trembled and the agents from the open-plan office gave them strange looks.

"They found a body."

" It's completely tattooed." The silence and tension in the room threatened to suffocate everyone. Kurt looked at Zapata stunned. That couldn't be. She couldn't be dead, not Jane. He became pale as a ghost and his heart seemed to have stopped beating.

"That's not her, we live in New York, there are several women who are completely tattooed."

"There's a possibility, but the body hasn't been identified yet."

"That's not her!" That's not her, that's not her, that's not her. He tried to talk his way through this situation. If he only believed hard enough that Jane was alive, then she had to be. There could not be another possibility.

"To be sure, the body must be identified." Kurt didn't want to do it, but he had to see with his own eyes that the dead person was not Jane.

"Where is she?"

The way to the morgue seemed to be endless. Seconds passed like hours. His thoughts revolved around Jane and only around Jane. He could not imagine a life in this world where she would no longer walk amongst them. She deserved so much better than to end up dead somewhere in an alley. He had only just started to dream of a shared future again.

Zapata and Reade drove him to the morgue where the unknown lay. Unlike Kurt, they were no longer so optimistic. They were guided through a corridor and led to the room where the body was. The wall was made of glass. There she lay. The dead woman lay on a cold, metal table. Her face and intimate area were covered with a white sheet, but the rest of the body only confirmed their suspicions. The emaciated figure, the gunshot wound, the tattoos. Everything just matched. It was Jane. Kurt stood behind the glass front, petrified. He couldn't believe what he saw.

From one moment to the next, all his hope was shattered. He felt nothing. No anger, no anxiety, no grief. Nothing but emptiness. As if he had died with her. He slowly stepped into the room, closer to the body. Closer to Jane. He took her hand into his with care. She was freezing cold. Had he felt nothing a few moments ago, he suddenly felt everything. He was flooded with emotions. How could it have come to this? Why was an important part of his life taken away from him again? First Taylor and now Jane. He would probably never love a person again in his life or even come too close. His pain and grief were too great.

Everything in him felt like he was burning alive. He could no longer control his tears. He felt Zapata's hand on his shoulder, but he just shook it off. He reached for the cloth over her face, he wanted to see her one more time.

One of the doctors hurried to his side and stopped him.

"You don't want to see that," he said compassionately, but Kurt didn't understand why.

"Why may I not see her? I want to see her!" His voice dripped with despair.

"There is nothing to see." What did that mean? The doctor could see his confusion and continued slowly.

"The cause of death is not the gunshot wound in her shoulder. Whoever did this to her shot her in the face. From a short distance. She is disfigured and unrecognizable. The perpetrator probably acted out of personal motives. If he hadn't wanted her to be recognized, he wouldn't have left her behind so obviously. He wanted to express something with it." Kurt knew exactly what it meant. It was a sign for him. He wouldn't be able to stop them. He sank to the ground and leaned against the glass front. He could not move. He would have loved to destroy everything he could get his hands on, but he was petrified. The world around him didn't seem to exist anymore. He didn't notice Zapata trying to talk to him or Reade calling Patterson to tell her and Nas about the bad news. He didn't notice anything.

"I've experienced a lot in my career as a doctor, but there's never been anyone tattooing the name Jane Doe on their back before." This conversation the doctors had with each other was the only thing that attracted his attention. He looked at them in astonishment and got up hastily.

"What did you say?" He wanted to hear it again, he thought he had misheard himself.

"The woman, you said her name was Jane Doe?"

"That is correct?"

"Well, the name itself is quite unusual, but who tattoos their own name on their back?"

"Can I see it?" Kurt was back in his normal working mode. If this woman really hadn't tattooed his name, then it couldn't have been Jane. The doctors lifted her shoulder up and Kurt saw the strange tattoo. How could he be so stupid?

"That's not Jane!" He was already rushing back to the car, but Zapata held him back.

"Kurt?" He interrupted her.

"That is not Jane. All her scars from the torture, the scar on her neck, are not there. I had only focused on the tattoos, but now that I've seen the wrong tattoo, I've realized it." Reade and Zapata looked at him stunned.

"That's not Jane, it's just a message from Shepherd!" He ordered the doctors to examine the body in detail, something might help them find her. Perhaps Shepherd, blinded by her anger and confidence, had finally made a mistake. He drove back to headquarters. Determined again. Shepherd wanted to leave him a message, but what did she want to tell him? Jane must still be alive, otherwise she would have been lying there. What was Shepherd up to with her? What did she want to express with the new tattoo? Jane Doe? What did that mean? His thoughts went crazy. He tried to understand it step by step. There was a corpse, without a face but with Jane's stature and the tattoos.

But one tattoo was different. It was her name instead of his. The dead woman had tattooed her name. Should that mean that Jane was dead after all? No, that didn't make any sense. Why should you look for a woman with a similar physique, kill her and then tattoo her? That would be far too much work to let him know that she was dead. They could have taken her body right away. He imagined Shepherd slowly sending Jane's body back to him piece by piece. That would have been terrible. One of his worst nightmares. So why do all this? Maybe Shepherd just wanted to demonstrate what she was willing to do, when he would stop her. Maybe she just wanted to show off how powerful she was. It would be atypical for her character to act so recklessly and would endanger the mission rather than save it, but maybe there was a moment when she hadn't acted attentively and prudently. It was a chance to find Jane. Kurt had found hope again and he would cling to it with all his strength. He would find Shepherd, stop her and then put her behind bars with his own hands, where she would rot for the rest of her life. That's exactly what she deserved.

"I will find you Jane, hold on a little bit longer please." The voice in his head prayed to all the gods he knew. Never would he have thought that the woman he loves was not too far away. Caught in a nightmare where it was he who killed her.


	9. Welcome Back

_It's Tuesday like I promised. At least in my country. I don't really like this chapter but it was necessary for my story. A lot of you still read it but I am not quite sure if any of you really like. Don't worry I will still finish it because I am not only writing this for you but for myself too. I would love it if you leave me a message. The next chapter will be up on Friday or Saturday. Have fun._

_I don't own the characters..._

**Damaged Soul **

**Welcome Back**

She looked into his eyes. They were blue and clear like the ocean and yet they also hid secrets like it. One storm was enough and a ship could sink, with all its occupants. The sea is beautiful and deadly at the same time, just like him. She saw him sitting at a table, next to him a bottle of alcohol. He looked at her threateningly. She didn't recognize the house she was standing in, but it had to be either his or hers. Why was she there and why was he so angry at her? She felt something burning on her tongue. She heard herself saying his name. She wanted to explain something to him, but he did not listen. He stood up, the weapon in his hand pointed at her. Jane looked into the barrel of the gun. He seemed to be saying something, but she couldn't hear it. The only thing she heard was her blood rushing through her ears. She felt guilty, sad and exhausted. Why did she feel like that? Suddenly she awakened.

What had she just dreamed? Were they fantasies or perhaps even memories? She recognized the man. Kurt Weller. Roman had told her she had trusted him. Was it perhaps the moment when she wanted to tell him about the corruption? She might never know. She wanted to remember. Why couldn't she remember anything? Nothing at all. How could something like that happen? She didn't have a swelling that would indicate that she had hurt her head. It couldn't possibly be just the gunshot wound in her shoulder. And why was her body so thin and covered with tattoos? She didn't look that thin in her dream, but that didn't have to mean anything. It had only been a dream after all. She already had the tattoos there. Some of them she found very pretty and artistic, while others just seemed like gibberish. Did they have any meaning in her former life? She really wanted to know.

Jane looked at the locked door. She was incredibly hungry and curious about the unknown. Actually she was still quite tired, but the loud growling of her stomach forced her to get up. She stood carefully on her thin, wobbly legs and stepped towards the door. There she almost fell over because of the black spots in front of her eyes, but her hand could still grab the door handle in time to prevent her from going to the ground. She waited a moment and pressed her eyelids tightly together before daring to see anything again. The world still seemed to spin behind her closed eyes and she sat down on the floor leaning against the door with one hand still on the handle. Seconds passed before she slowly rose again. This time everything seemed to be fine. She opened the door quietly and looked through the crack.

In front of her was a long corridor. The walls were high and the paint began to peel in some places. The whole house looked a bit old. She couldn't see or hear anyone, so she slowly walked out. The floor under her bare soles was cold and her nightgown wasn't particularly warm either. She rubbed the goose bumps on her upper arms and looked around attentively. All the walls were bare and impersonal. What kind of house was she in? The back door in the corridor was open and Jane carefully entered the kitchen. Her stomach growled again. This time even louder. She was still walking on wobbly legs, but a little faster, towards the fridge. She opened it and ate everything she could find. The vegetables, cheese, meat. Then she searched the cupboards and stuffed herself with bread. She had the feeling she hadn't eaten for ages. She couldn't have known that this was really the case. Neither could she know that her stomach couldn't handle so much food because of that. She would find out in a few minutes.

Jane was about to eat a cereal bar when she suddenly felt sick. She chewed the bar in one moment and in the next her eyes searched in panic for a way to throw up without messing the place up. She stumbled to the sink, her hand in front of her mouth. She barely managed to bend over in time. Her stomach emptied until she only spit out the burning stomach acid. Her throat hurt and her breathing was heavy. She rinsed out her mouth and sank to the floor. She pulled her legs towards her chest and sobbed softly because of the soreness.

Roman entered Jane's room quietly and was shocked to find that she had disappeared. The windows were still closed and in her condition she surely wouldn't have made it far. He ran out of the room and searched the whole house. Suddenly he heard a sob from the kitchen. He hurried towards the voice he would recognize everywhere. There he found her, huddled together on the cold tiles. He rushed to her side and took her in his arms. He searched her body for external injuries, but couldn't find any.

"Jane, you shouldn't leave the bed!" She just looked at him desperately. Was that her name? Jane?

"I am hungry, but I cannot eat. Why can't I eat anything?" Roman hadn't thought of that at all. She came to them with a stomach tube. Her body probably couldn't stand solid food yet. What the hell had happened to her? His anger at the FBI flared up again. He carefully lifted her into his arms and carried her back to bed.

"I'll talk to Shepherd and then someone will come and help you." She didn't want him to go and grabbed his arm. He looked at her in horror. Never before had he seen her in such a state. Normally it was her who was always the strong one. Who always protected him. He didn't like to see her like that, but he was happy to be able to help her for once. She deserved that after all these years. He only hoped that the renewed wiping of her memory would not lead to permanent damage. He missed his old sister. The one who fought against everyone and always got what she wanted. He hated to see her like that. He stayed by her side until she fell asleep again. He gently stroked her hair and then carefully stood up to look for Shepherd. The woman sat as usual in her office and studied the plans on her desk.

"We have a problem." She didn't even look at him, but he didn't expect that either. Remi had always been her favorite. She had always thought she could do much more than he could.

"We need Dr. Borden." That made her look up.

"That's out of question." At least now he had her attention.

"Remi needs a doctor and the only one who's currently available is Borden." He tried to persuade her, but Shepherd seemed to disagree.

"I'm definitely not going to sacrifice our only source in the FBI just to make Jane comfortable." Her voice dripped with hatred. Roman couldn't believe that. He too was still hurt because of what Jane had done. She had actually chosen Kurt and not her own family, but that was a risk he had considered. Who would stay the same if you erased their memory? The environment in which you live shapes you forever. Sometimes he thought of what would have happened if his parents hadn't been killed and he and Remi had grown up happy. Without the pain and death that seemed to surround them.

"First, she is no longer Jane and second, she cannot digest solid food. She will die if she does not get medical attention." Shepherd leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Roman knew he had her hooked. If Jane died, her plan would be invalid. But instead of hearing what he wanted to hear, Shepherd just smiled darkly at him.

"Then you'll probably have to feed her soup." As soon as she had said the words, she went back to work. Roman was speechless and angry. Remi was her daughter and yet she didn't care how unwell she was. Sometimes he had to think about what Shepherd would do if he or Jane were in danger. She would probably let them both die without batting an eye. As long as it served her plan, there was nothing more important. Roman left her office tense. He would find someone to help Jane, even if it meant kidnapping a doctor.

After a few hours Jane woke up again. This time she hadn't dreamed anything. She didn't know if she should be relieved or worried. There was no light shining into the room. It was probably already too late. Suddenly a figure approached her. When this person came closer, she recognized a dark-skinned woman with blond, curly hair. She smiled at her, but she could see that the smile did not reach her eyes.

"Finally, you woke up, I was worried." The stranger put her hand on her cheek and Jane looked at her perplexed.

"Who are you?" She couldn't get rid of the queasy feeling in her stomach. Where was Roman? He was the only one she really trusted after all.

"I am your mother." Now Jane was all the more confused. The stranger seemed to notice that and immediately continued with an explanation.

"Not your biological mother, I saved you from an orphanage in South Africa and raised you, you and your brother. You always called me Shepherd." She came from South Africa and had been in an orphanage? What had happened to her birth parents?

"Roman said you were there when he found me." Shepherd looked at her sadly and stroked her hair.

"Yes, I will never forget that moment. We thought we would lose you." She lovingly looked Jane in the eyes.

"I didn't trust the FBI from the beginning, especially Kurt Weller, but you wouldn't listen to me. You thought you were doing the right thing. When I told you the whole country was corrupt, you just shook your head." She seemed to be in thoughts and Jane didn't know how to deal with the new information. Before she could ask anything, her mother continued.

"This attitude almost put you in the grave. The FBI now thinks you're dead, but I'm sure this Weller is still looking for you. They made you a scapegoat for the corruption you were trying to uncover. It was all over the news. He will not rest until he sees your corpse with his own eyes. That means we'll beat him to it." Jane looked at her in astonishment and without any plan.

"While you were working for the FBI, me and your brother built an organization. We and all our followers know how bad this country is and we have a plan to change it". Shepherd spoke enthusiastically and her eyes sparkled with joy.

"I would be happy if you would join us. I have waited all my life for this day and did not expect that you would ever agree, but after all that has happened you can hopefully see that we are on the right side". Jane did not know what to answer. If this woman, her mother, was really right, then she had to do something about it. But her lack of memories made her doubt the decision.

"I know that it must be hard for you to understand all this, but we will show you everything that is wrong in this country and you will see that we are the good ones. With these words Shepherd stood up and went to the door. She lovingly looked at Jane who was completely overwhelmed.

"First rest and regain your strength. When the time is right we will explain everything to you." She left the room with a smile on her face and Jane was alone once again. She was completely exhausted. She didn't know this world at all and still she had to decide for one side. If her mother really spoke the truth, then there was only one thing she wanted to do. Kurt Weller should pay for his actions.

_I am already thinking about a new story and maybe you will like the next one more but at first I will finish this one and I am not quite sure when it will end. Have a nice day! :D_


	10. Who Am I?

_Hello my lovely readers! I'm back and this chapter is officially the longest one I have ever written. My Christmas break started today. Sadly because it's my last year at school, there are alot of things I have to do but I will still have more time to write. Hopefully! The next chapter will be my Christmas gift for you and I will update on Tuesday. Please leave me some reviews and love. I would appricate that. I hope you will like the new chapter. Have fun. :D_

_I own nothing but my ideas! _

**Damaged Soul **

**Who Am I?**

Ten months. Ten months had passed and there was still no new lead that would help them find Jane. Nas was back at the NSA, without Jane the team had no more use for her. Zapata and Reade wouldn't admit it, but they were losing more and more hope every day that they would find their friend alive. Even Patterson had doubts. She would never stop looking for Jane until she had solid evidence that she was dead, but the case seemed insoluble.

The only one who never seemed to lose hope was Kurt. He was just as determined as if it happened only yesterday. It was probably because without Jane, he saw no more meaning in his life. She was the reason why he got up every morning, got dressed, drove to work and only came home late at night, if he came home at all. She was the reason why he kept breathing and his heart kept beating. He spent hours trying to find her, sacrificing his sleep and his nerves. He became a ghost of himself day by day.

The only thing that could bring forth his old self was his daughter. She was just a few months old and already had him wrapped around her little fingers. When he held her in his arms for the first time, he could hardly believe his luck. For a brief moment he imagined it was Jane lying next to him in a bed, exhausted from giving birth. But it was Allie. Jane was God knows where and had probably been tortured. Even worse, maybe she lay somewhere underground where no human soul would ever find her.

He felt guilty about being so happy in such terrible circumstances. He had become a little thin and his face looked older and pale. Life did not seem to be treating him well. The team had tried to distract him several times, but without success. The only thing he needed in his life was Jane.

* * *

Her body was pressed firmly against a mat, but she knew how to defend herself. She raised her hips to shift the center of gravity of her attacker, slammed her hands against his knees and skillfully threw him aside. Within seconds she was back on her feet, fists clenched, ready to fight. Her attacker began to laugh and she too had to smile.

"That's the sister that I once knew." She held out her hand to Roman and helped him stand up.

"I must say you've really recovered."

"I had the best nurse and teacher." He laughed again. She loved it when he laughed. In the last few months she saw so much pain in his eyes, it was good to see him be so happy. Although she couldn't really remember much, she knew she and Roman had a special bond. He nursed her back to health, helped her to find herself and trained with her daily. He showed her what she was capable of. All the languages and fighting styles she once knew and what she liked to eat most.

It was these big and small things that did not let her go crazy. Shepherd had slowly put her back into the family plans and she finally didn't feel useless anymore. She saw a purpose in her life again. For the rest of the world she was considered dead, but here she had risen to a high rank again. She was respected, feared. She had become the deadly machine that she once was again. Every night she lay in her bed and planned Kurt Weller's death down to the last detail.

She would let him die slowly, painfully. She would take everything he loved from him. But hate wasn't the only thing she felt when she thought of him. She felt betrayed and abandoned. But worst of all, there was this one feeling she couldn't get rid of no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't and wouldn't name it, but deep inside she knew it was love. Despite all that he had done to her, she could not get rid of it. This only made her hatred grow stronger and there was no doubt for her. Kurt Weller had to die.

* * *

He looked affectionately into her face. Her rosy cheeks and blue saucer eyes made him melt every time. He gently stroked her hair and watched her slowly sink into the world of dreams. He kissed Bethany gently on the soft skin of her forehead and laid her back into her crib. He sank back onto the sofa and laid his head back on the back of the couch.

"When was the last time you slept?" Allie sat down beside him on the sofa and looked at him sadly. She already knew the answer.

"I've been busy, you know how work can be." Her look became skeptical. She put her hand on his shoulder and pressed it lightly to get his full attention.

"Bethany deserves a father who's well, who takes care of himself." He looked at her tired, but she wouldn't let him talk back.

"Don't tell me you're fine, because I have eyes in my head and I'm definitely not blind." He could read the pity on her face. She always chewed on her lower lip and had that sad look when she felt pity. Allie stroked her thumb gently across the worry lines on his forehead.

"Kurt, I know life hasn't been easy for you and now you're desperately trying to find Jane, but you have to look after yourself too. The fact that you always care more about others than yourself is something I have always admired about you, but you have crossed a line. Jane wouldn't have wanted you to live your life like this."

"You make it sound like Jane is already dead." They looked deep into each other's eyes. He realized that that's exactly what she was about to say and just shook his head.

"Jane is alive."

"I'm afraid you can't know that, and you need to be a little realistic. She's been missing for ten months." He just shook his head again and went out onto the balcony. His hands gripped the railing with an iron grip and he fought against the tears in his eyes. She followed him outside and stroked his back. He had clearly lost muscles.

"Kurt, I know she meant a lot to you, more than any woman ever did." She forced him to look deep into her eyes.

"I know you wish Bethany was hers and your child, and I can understand that. I know this wasn't planned, believe me." Allie smiled sadly at him.

"Without Jane, life may not seem worth living for you anymore, but look at Bethany." She took his face in her hands and turned it towards the living room.

"You have her, Sarah, Sawyer, your friends at the FBI and me. We'll always be here for you." She looked him deep in the eyes again.

"It may seem impossible for you, but you must put Jane behind you. The pain will go away, and you still have so much to live for. Fight, stop looking for something you can't find and start living again." By the end, her voice was a plea. Silence.

"You know I can't." She averted her gaze and a single tear flowed down her cheek.

"But I will take more care of myself." This made her look up and smile. She just hoped it wasn't an empty promise.

* * *

Twelve fucking months. That's how long it took her to talk Roman into letting her leave the base. On her own. She hadn't felt so free as far as she could remember. The crunch of the leaves under her feet and the smell of the city. She hadn't been to New York in a long time. She was finally feeling alive again. Luckily it was already autumn, because in summer it would have been more difficult to hide her tattoos. Roman had forbidden her to visit Kurt and take revenge on him. He said everything would happen in time. She smiled at him and lied right in his face. Jane knew he would have never let her go if she told him the truth. She told him she just wanted to stretch her legs a bit, get her thoughts in order. She didn't know if he would believe her but she seemed to be a master of lying.

She felt the cold metal of her gun, hidden in her pants, against her skin and it gave her a feeling of security and power. He would not catch her again. She had tracked his cell phone weeks ago and had watched his habits from the base ever since. He didn't seem to be a creature of habit, but once a month he went to Central Park. Same place every month. She had been hoping for an opportunity like this for what seemed like an eternity. She was prepared. She wanted to torture him, but Shepherd ordered her not to. She kept saying that he was part of the plan and that they needed him, but Jane would not allow that. After all, they wanted to rid the country of corruption and not let corrupt assholes like him come to power again.

She knew that Shepherd would be very angry with her, but she didn't care. In the end, killing him seemed to be the only reasonable solution, but she wanted him to look her in the eye. She wanted him to know that she was the one who had beaten him, not the other way around. Jane took cover behind a tree and looked around. She saw children playing at a playground and running around. What was he doing at a place like that? She watched the mothers watching their children play and felt a sense of emptiness. She banished it into the depths of her head and tried to come to clear thoughts again. She must not be distracted now.

It did not take long until he arrived at the place on time as usual. Jane mustered him closely. He looked different than in the picture. Thinner, a little older. He seemed upset. Suddenly, she could see him smiling. He walked towards the playground and knelt down to a little girl who was sitting in the sandbox and just happily reached out her little hands to him. She couldn't have been more than six months old. So he had a daughter. This confused Jane. Didn't Roman say she was in love with Kurt. Was he in a relationship at the time? She couldn't possibly imagine that he'd got a girlfriend and had a child with her in such a short time. She watched angrily as he picked the little girl up and threw her slightly in the air before he laid her against his shoulder and walked up to a woman. She was pretty and kissed him on the cheek when she hugged him. She didn't seem to treat him as her husband or boyfriend and that made Jane wonder. She knew Kurt had a sister but she looked very different. Who was this woman?

"It doesn't matter who she is, remember why we're here!" The voice in her head admonished her but Jane pushed it aside. She couldn't possibly kill him, not with so many witnesses, but she suddenly had a very different idea. She knew how to make him bleed without hurting him physically. He didn't deserve to just die. First she would take away the only important thing in his life and only then would he die. She waited patiently until the young woman rose and then followed her inconspicuously to a public toilet. She washed her hands at the sink and kept an eye on the cabin in which the woman disappeared through the mirror. She averted her gaze when the woman approached her. She also started to washed her hands as well and smiled at her friendly. She was about to strike when the expression on the woman's face suddenly changed. The smile disappeared and she looked at her in disbelief. That stunned Jane. Did this woman know her.

"Jane? Oh, my God, you're alive." The woman took a step towards her, but Jane backed away.

"How do you know me?" This upset the stranger again and she uses the opportunity to give her a hard blow to the head. The woman fell unconscious on the floor and Jane looked at her in amazement. The woman seemed relieved to see her. Why relieved? Probably she didn't know the truth that Kurt thought he had killed her.

She looked at the woman for a moment and then quickly left the toilet. Her thoughts ran amok in her head, but she fought against the many questions. She closed her eyes tightly and massaged her temples annoyed. After a short break she could think clearly again and concentrated on her plan.

She saw him from afar. With every step she came closer, her anger grew, but so did her fear. She suppressed this feeling. She was only a few steps away from him and was about to draw her gun when Kurt turned towards her. He must have thought she was someone else, because he smiled. Like with the woman before, his smile disappeared. Both were frozen and looked deeply into each other's eyes. She had a slightly panicked and caught look on her face and he looked as if he had seen a ghost. The seconds that passed felt like hours and everything seemed to happen in slow motion. He put the girl in his arms in her pram and slowly got up. He had never taken his eyes off her. He shook his head in bewilderment.

"Jane? Is it really you?" She thought she heard wrong. Kurt sounded uncertain, but also relieved. He was about to approach her, but she quickly backed away and pulled out her gun. The people around her screamed in panic and ran away. So much for leaving no witnesses.

"Stop! Don't take another step, or I'll shoot!" Her hands, in which she held the weapon, trembled briefly, but she was able to bring herself back under control quickly. He stopped startled and stunned, and raised his hands.

"Jane, what are you doing?"

"You won't catch me again?" He looked at her even more perplexed than before.

"What are you talking about?" She could only laugh bitterly at that.

"You almost killed me that night, but I survived."

"I would never kill you Jane." She was boiling with rage.

"Liar!" The scream echoed through the park.

He had tears in his eyes and took another step towards her.

"I love you Jane, why would I kill you?" Her lower lip was trembling and she didn't know as to what to believe. He seemed so convincing and yet he just couldn't tell the truth. Roman would never lie to her, would he? She used to always have the feeling that he loved her and was honest with her. Her own feelings were going crazy. She felt the hate, but there was this other feeling again. It had haunted her for months, but it had never been as strong as at this very moment. Her head ached and she squeezed her eyes tightly together. She grabbed her head with one hand and sank to her knees. He tried to run towards her, worried, but she raised her gun again.

"Jane, put the gun down!" She heard the voice of the woman from the toilet and saw her out of the corner of her eye. She had a gun in her hand. Suddenly, she and Kurt were surrounded by officers who also had all their guns pointed at her. Her heart was racing and she was dizzy. This wasn't part of her plan.

"Put the guns down, don't shoot!" The policemen looked at Kurt skeptically, but after he showed them his badge, they followed his order. Kurt raised his hands again as a sign that he didn't want to hurt her and slowly walked towards her as if she was a frightened deer.

"Jane put the gun down. I can help you." She looked at him desperately.

"Please!" Suddenly, unknown images rushed through her mind. Images of moments from her past. She saw him. Fragments. How he kissed her, held her in his arms, reassured her, saved her.

They disappeared as quickly as they came, but they left a sense of unease and chaos.

She looked deep into his eyes. She wanted to remember. All of it. Everything she thought she knew, she suddenly had to question. She couldn't trust her own thoughts. She couldn't trust anybody. She lowered her trembling hand in which she held the gun. Kurt exhaled in relief and wanted to get even closer to her as she raised the gun again. But this time it was not aimed at him. He froze and his heart stopped beating for a moment. She held the gun against her temple and looked at him in panic. This could not happen, he could not lose her. He had only just found her again. No, he couldn't lose her again. Not like that. He didn't know what had happened to her, but he wasn't gonna let her shoot herself.

"Jane, don't do this, I can't lose you, not again." Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her lips were trembling. She wouldn't believe him, couldn't believe him. He couldn't feel anything for her. He wanted to kill her. Or were those all lies. Was her whole life a lie. She was sobbing.

"Who am I?" Kurt knelt down in front of her and slowly took her hand in his. He carefully released the grip around her gun and threw it to one of the policemen. She was crying and he took her firmly in his arms.

"You are an incredibly strong and selfless woman who always fights for what's good. I don't know whatever happened to you these past few months but I swear to you, we will find Shepherd and we will make her pay."


	11. Anything

_Merry Christmas everyone! I absolutly love Christmas. As promised i have the new chapter for you. I hope you enjoy reading it and spent some nice time with your loved ones. This chapter is a bit short but the next one will be longer than every single one I have ever posted. I am going to spent some time with my family so I am not quite sure when I will be able to write it. I mean it's already written in my head, now my fingers have to work. Thanks to everyone that reviewed on my last chapter. I love you all!_

_I own only my ideas!_

**Damaged Soul **

**Anything**

White walls. Cold metal. Handcuffs. No idea who she really was. She looked desperately into the big mirror on the wall. She saw herself. Bloodshot, tearstained eyes. Trembling lips. Who am I? She tried to run her hands through her hair, but the handcuffs stopped her. Had she made a mistake turning herself in to the FBI? Turning herself in to him? She couldn't say. The voice in her head said yes, but her heart screamed no. She banged her fists against the table and sobbed. Her forehead lowered slowly onto the cold tabletop. She would do anything to be able to think clearly in that moment.

Kurt watched her from the other side of the mirror. He actually wanted to be with her, to continue holding her firmly in his arms, but he was forbidden to do so. The police had taken Jane away and he had gone to the hospital with Allie. The blow to her head had knocked her out for a short time but apart from that she seemed fine. She had gone with Bethany to his home and he had gone back to the FBI. Why had Jane done this? What had happened to her? She said she didn't know who she was. Had Shepherd taken away her memories again? He hoped not. It hurt him to see her like that. So broken. So vulnerable. It reminded him of the day he first saw her. When she started sobbing, he almost burst into the room, but his boss held him back. It had taken him a lot of strength not to punch him in the face right here and now. Everything he had been dreaming about for the last few months had come true, but he had no way to reach for it. He had no choice but to wait and see.

Jane jumped up when the door to the interrogation room opened. She watched the woman who entered carefully. Who was she? She didn't look familiar to her.

"Where's Kurt?" The woman just smiled. She sat across from Jane and leaned back in her chair.

"He's watching us right now." Jane followed her finger and looked in the mirror. All she saw was herself, but she had the feeling she saw him as well. As if he were looking right into her eyes. Which he was.

"I want to talk to him."

" That' s not possible right now." Jane didn't understand.

"What is going to happen with me?"

"It depends on how you answer these questions." Jane stared deep into her eyes.

"Who are you?" What kind of questions were these?

"Jane."

"Jane who?"

"Just Jane, I guess. I don't know." She closed her eyes tight and massaged her temples. Nas looked pityingly at her.

"I know that you' re scared. I know that you're confused." Jane looked at her incredulously and desperately. How could that woman think she knew what she was feeling?

"I don't know who I am. I don't know what's happening to me, and I have no idea who or what to believe!" Nas licked over her lips and looked in the mirror. She got up and left the room. Jane didn't know what was going to happen but she felt fear and relief at the same time as Kurt entered the room.

He looked deep into her eyes. He sat down on the chair where the woman was sitting before. She was now leaning against one of the walls. Kurt could see how tense Jane was. As his hands reached for hers, she reflexively retreated. It hurt him, but what did he expect? He looked at her with a gentle expression and showed her the small key he was holding in his hand. She recognized what he wanted to do and relaxed. When he had removed the cuffs, she massaged her slightly reddened wrists.

"Jane?" She looked at him questioningly. He voiced her name like no one else did. Gently, lovingly. It made her heart beat faster.

"We don't know where you've been these past few months or what's happened to you, but you'd help us enormously if you'd tell us." Just thinking about it made her tremble. She wanted to scream.

"What do you want to know?" She hadn't lived much, yet it felt like an endless story.

"What is the first thing you can remember?" He saw her eyes drifting back and forth as if they were searching for an answer.

"I was lying in a room. I was skinny and hurt, had no memories. But now I begin to see fragments of my past life. At least I think so, but I can't trust anybody right now. Not even myself." She saw how sad and desperate he seemed. Had she said something wrong?

"You don't remember anything?" She just shook her head. Should she tell him everything? Maybe he could help her.

"And what if Shepherd and Roman were telling the truth?" The voice in her head made her doubt again, but even if she was right, she had nothing to lose.

"Shepherd told me your team, my former team, was corrupt. I found out and I wanted to tell you, but when I did, you tried to kill me. I got away, and Shepherd and Roman found me and nursed me back to health." Kurt looked at her stunned. His eyes shimmered with tears.

He told her everything. From the beginning. It sounded too crazy to be true, but for some reason, she believed him, trusted him. He seemed so hurt, so devastated.

"I thought you were dead. When I saw that woman's body..." He seemed speechless for a moment. " she looked like you. I thought I had lost you forever." She didn't know why she did it, but she felt the urge to comfort him. She put her hand on his. Her fingers stroked gently up his arm and when she reached his face, she wiped away the fallen tears. He took her hand in his as if he was afraid she would disappear. As if he was dreaming and she would vanish into thin air the moment he opened his eyes.

Kurt pressed her hand even tighter against his cheek and kissed its inside. He wanted to store this moment in his head forever.

"I hate to ruin your reunion, but we still have a problem. Shepherd is out there and she's still planning to attack this country." Nas came closer to Jane and looked at her pleadingly.

"You may not know whether to trust us a hundred percent, but with your knowledge, we can stop them. End it once and for all. You could have a normal life." The offer sounded tempting, even though she didn't know what normal meant.

She thought about Roman. He had grown up under exactly the same conditions as she. He never had a chance at a normal life. She didn't know if she would regret the following words, but she continued anyway.

"I want to save Roman." Nas didn't look at her very enthusiastically, but she went on nevertheless.

"He may have lied to me all this time, but I know he loves me. He took care of me. Fed me, carried me, washed me. It was him who came to me in the middle of the night and comforted me when I woke up screaming and sweating from nightmares. I can feel a good, sincere person slumbering inside of him. This one just never had the chance to come out. If we rescue him, I'm sure he can change. We just have to give him a chance." Nas wanted to object, but before she could, Kurt agreed. She smiled at him overjoyed and hugged him. He had not expected this reaction, but he would definitely enjoy it.

He knew Director Pellington would probably fire him, but he didn't care. Jane told them everything she knew about Shepherd's plan and where the main building was located. Some of the agents were skeptical and did not trust her words, but Kurt did. Others might say he was blinded by love and they might be right, but he would follow her everywhere. Would always believe her. He was afraid of what would happen if Shepherd got defeated. The contract Jane had made was still valid and after everything was done she would be free. That night in the hospital, when she lay in his arms, he was sure they could have a future together again. But after all that had happened, he could hardly imagine it. He still loved her, he always would. She on the other hand had until recently believed that he wanted to kill her. Didn't know him personally. Everything they had experienced, the kisses, the hugs, Shepherd had erased it. He still hoped she would remember all of it again, but the doubt was bigger. The relationship they had would probably never be the same again. How could he know how she felt about him. She herself still fought against it, although she knew that it would not help in the long run. She was devoted to him. His looks, the way he spoke to her, touched her. No one had ever touched her like this before and never before had she felt this way about anyone. Even though she hardly knew him. She wanted to remember. Everything. But she didn't know if she could.

She watched him prepare for the attack on Shepherd. Not only her mind but also her body reacted to him. Without her having control over it. Her heart became faster, she began to blush, she could not control herself or concentrate. Although she would have liked to give in to her feelings, she knew she had to keep her mind clear. Shepherd certainly wouldn't be happy to see her and the FBI, she was sure of that. The coming battle would be bloody. To her amazement, she did not worry whether she would survive. The only people she cared about were Roman and Kurt. She would do anything to protect both of them. Anything.


	12. Burning Flame

_As promised, the longest chapter. It's not that much longer than the others because I split it in the end. This moment just seemed like the perfect end to that chapter. Besides, I couldn't continue writing because of the nerve damage in my elbow. Six months ago I had a climbing accident and now I lose the feeling in my forearm and hand when I overwork myself. Shit happens. Once again I permitted myself to use a scene from the series. I'm sure you'll notice which one. I hope you like the new chapter and I wish you a lot of fun reading it. :D_

_Martin Gero is a genius!_

**Damaged Soul**

**Burning Flame**

Soon they would arrive at the place where she had woken up. You could say it was the place where she was born, but that would sound kind of weird. She was leaning her head against the cool windowpane. Every little bump on the ground, her head would bang lightly against the glass. It wasn't very comfortable and she could feel a headache coming on, but on the other hand she couldn't sit upright either. Her head felt too heavy. She watched the trees that they passed quickly. Above her in the sky a bird was flying. What she wouldn't give to be as free as this small animal with bones so delicate that even the wind carried it.

Her body felt sluggish. The burden of her past, her unresolved feelings, would never allow her to fly, let alone be free. Kurt said that after this mission she could do whatever she wanted, she could go wherever she wanted. But even then she would not be free. She would always feel guilty. She was about to betray her family. Sure, they had lied to her and done terrible things, but they were still her family. Roman was her brother, they came from the same blood. He was the person who knew her the longest. Everything about her.

But then there was Weller. He seemed to know her too, despite such a short time. Jane closed her eyes and tried to breathe calmly. What would she do after all this, assuming she survived? Roman would probably hate her, so she could forget a life with him. Then only Weller was left and although she had feelings for him, they could not possibly have a future. She would be a constant burden that would drag him deep into the abyss. He had a daughter, a family. She couldn't possibly fit in there.

How would it feel to live an ordinary life? A normal job, friends, a husband. Maybe even children who you make breakfast for in the morning before you take them to school and read stories to at bedtime. She'd probably never find out. Maybe she just wasn't meant to survive this fight. Maybe her life on this planet had another purpose. She'd find out soon enough.

Kurt was watching her throughout the entire drive. She seemed to be lost in thoughts and they didn't seem peaceful. He saw slight worry lines on her face and her eyes were looking into the void. What was she thinking about? He saw how her eyes closed tired and frustrated. He was about to ask her what was going through her mind but then the car came to a halt and he realized that they had a job to do. This might be their only chance to bring Shepherd down.

They got out of the cars quietly. The cars were parked a good half mile away from the house. They knew that Shepherd was probably prepared for an invasion and it would have been stupid to drive straight to the base. Everything went according to a plan. There was to be as few casualties as possible on the part of the FBI. They marched carefully through the forest, alert and ready for anything. The closer they got to their destination, the stronger the smell of iron. You could see the water tower in the distance.

Kurt gave the order to stop when they suddenly heard voices. They took cover behind thick bushes. In front of them was a big old house made of white stones. Several guards stood outside the building, heavily armed. Jane had already warned them that Shepherd was very paranoid and suspicious. The plan was to surround the building and take out the guards as quietly as possible. Then they would storm the building and arrest as many of Shepherd's entourage as possible. Shepherd would also be handcuffed and taken away. Nas had another thing in mind for her.

She might be able to cooperate and help solve all the tattoos for a better prison cell. Kurt was against it at first. This woman deserved nothing better for what she did to Jane. Did to him. But he had to admit to himself that with the help of her information, many people could be saved. He had to overcome his hatred and anger towards her and think about the greater good. He knew that the possibility that the plan could go wrong was great, but they had to at least try.

If only he had known that Jane also had her doubts. If he had paid more attention to her and not to his hatred, he might have been able to see through her actual plan. Maybe he could have stopped her in time. However, the past could not be changed and he was suddenly forced to see her walking confidently towards the building.

"Jane, what are you doing? Come back!" He tried to call out for her as quietly as possible, but she either couldn't hear him or she ignored him. Damn it! Either way, they could forget the plan. He told the others to wait and not to intervene. That would most certainly be the death of her and he could not let that happen. He had no choice but to wait and see what she would do. The others did not like that at all. They were afraid that Jane wanted to betray them from the beginning and would now warn everyone. They looked at Weller sceptically, but nobody wanted to contradict him. His gut feeling had always been reliable in the past. They could only hope that he was right this time, too.

Jane walked towards the building and ignored the looks of the soldiers. They tried to avoid her most of the time. She could force even the strongest to her knees. Sometimes it was quite useful to be feared. She was almost at the entrance when suddenly Roman ran towards her. He looked at her worried and angry at the same time. He couldn't decide between those two feelings. As he stood before her, he grabbed her by her upper arm.

"Where the hell have you been for so long?" She tore loose from his grip and looked at him annoyed. Actually, she wanted to grab him and run off with him, just away from Shepherd's influence. She knew that would never work, though. First Roman had to be convinced to change sides and that's why she had to put on her mask and pretend that nothing had changed.

"I got a little held up." Roman looked at her horrified.

"What happened?" He examined her for external injuries and when he found none, he looked at her again. This time his face was slightly panicked.

"You didn't kill him, did you?" Jane looked at him pissed.

"And what if I did, he's a corrupt asshole who doesn't deserve to live." Roman desperately closed his eyes and ran his hand over his face. It didn't take any special skills to see that he was very tense. Maybe she could get him to tell the truth.

"Or was that a lie?" Roman suddenly looked at her again quickly. Her undertone left no doubt. She must have remembered something. They looked at each other tense for a long time. No one was willing to speak first. After a while he couldn't stand it any longer and averted his eyes. He had never won a staring contest against her before. Her eyes had always intimidated him. This emptiness, this hatred towards the world. When she came back to them, he could see something else. A sparkle, hope. He thought he recognized it this time too, but he didn't know what it meant. It was Weller then, but she had killed him. Or hadn't she?

"Shepherd wants to see you." Her eyes got cold and she followed Roman into the building. She turned once more and looked in Kurt's direction. She turned away quickly. She mustn't doubt, mustn't look back. In a few minutes, her fate would be sealed.

The way to Shepherd's office was like slow motion for her. Her steps were heavy and her heart seemed to beat so slowly, it was a miracle that she was still alive. She exhaled slowly and stepped into the bright room. Shepherd leaned against her desk, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She had a hard expression on her face. A shiver ran down Jane's spine.

Suddenly she had other images in her mind. Shepherd was leaning against a desk in exactly the same position. It wasn't as big as the one she was leaning against now and the room was dirty, dark and cold. Iron chains hung from the ceiling and it smelled musty, like a cellar. A figure was tied to a chair. Blood was dripping from its head. Weller's head. She saw Shepherd hold the knife to her throat, forcing her to kill him. She couldn't. She fell into his arms, crying. Every moment was a new picture. The difference between these memories was that she had never seen them so clearly before. She could feel the cold and smell the mold. She could feel her pain and her love for him as if she was there at that very moment. She heard voices. They echoed through her head.

"I don't think that's a good idea, we don't know what would happen in her condition."

"Either we do it like this or you kill her. She cheated and lied to us. What she has done is betrayal. The sister you think you know no longer exists. She is already dead! This is the only chance to get her back and avenge Kurt and his team at the same time. He took her from you and now we take her from him. That's the only kind of torture that really hurts him. Let him bleed!"

Jane awoke from her memories. It felt as if she had almost drowned and was able to penetrate the water surface just before she passed out. Ice cold water, a burning desire for air. Slowly she had a sense of reality again. She looked up slightly out of breath. She felt Roman and Shepherd's gaze even before she saw them. Roman looked at her with concern, but Shepherd's gaze was dark. She smiled devilishly and laughed briefly.

"I know that face." She approached Jane slowly but threateningly. She gently stroked her cheek, gripping her a little more firmly on the chin.

"What did you remember?" Jane knew it was useless to lie. Her cool expression on her face changed to a sinister one. Her eyes sparkled with rage. If looks could kill.

"I remember everything!" Her teeth were clenched together and her jaw was tense. Shepherd turned away from her and went back to her desk.

"I should have known this day would come again. No matter how many times we erase your memories, the new you always comes back." The last words sounded like she spat them out. Suddenly two men appeared behind her and pushed her onto a chair. Before she could even fight back, she was tied up.

"There's something that I want you to see." With these words Shepherd left the room. Now it was just her and Roman. He leaned against a small table and his shoulders were slumped. He looked down sadly and hopelessly.

"Roman?" he didn't look at her.

"Roman! You can't let her do this." He played with their old coin in his hands, his inner conflict obvious.

"You and I are blood, and we have always protected each other, always." She begged him to listen with a desperate voice.

"Think of what she's about to do, the lives she's about to take." He kept his face averted.

"I know you've been hurt. We all have. But you know this is wrong, so help me stop her."

Suddenly he looked up. He wasn't looking at her face, but it was a reaction. He got up slowly and walked towards her. He looked into her eyes for a moment and leaned heavily against the back of her chair. His proximity gave her goose bumps. She had never seen him like that before. Just empty.

"Please." His next words hurt like a knife in her chest.

"I believed in you." She closed her eyes sadly.

"I fought for you, I took care of you, and now all I'll get back is lies and deceit." There was an oppressive silence and tension in the room.

"It's over, Jane." It couldn't end like this, she wouldn't let it.

"No, it's not over. I made a deal for you, because no matter how much we lie and hurt each other, I will always love you. Just like I know you'll always love me. I can sense you doubting Shepherd's methods. I know that deep down inside of you, there's a good and sincere person. Give him a chance to live. You can start over. Go where you want and do what you want. Let's put an end to our terrible life once and for all. Let's break free of Shepherd's control." She could sense that he was thinking hard about what she said, but suddenly Shepherd came back into the room.

"I thought you might be missing your friends. Let's see what they're doing, shall we?" Shepherd flipped the monitor of her laptop in Jane's direction. It showed surveillance footage outside of the building.

"What is this?" She had this horrible feeling in her chest.

"Do you really think we didn't notice you were coming. We have surveillance and alarm systems all around the compound. We were warned the moment you set foot on our property." She should have known. How could she be so stupid?

"What are you gonna do?" Shepherd smiled at her. She strutted across the room confident of victory.

"The whole house is filled with explosives. The moment I push this button, everything will blow up and collapse." Suddenly she noticed the detonator in her hand. How could anyone be so crazy?

"I always have several locations where I can work from for cases like this. Actually I was going to wait until you and the FBI stormed the building and then I would have killed you all, but suddenly you came alone. I guess that wasn't the original plan, was it? I saw Weller's face when you did it, and he didn't seem too happy." When she mentioned his name, she felt a twinge in her heart.

"You wanted to protect him and you played right into my hands. Now I can blow up the building and make them think it was your plan. You selfless thing sacrificed yourself for them. So touching. How could they possibly know that you used the explosives in our building to kill us? They could never have foreseen that." Shepherd's played touching voice made her blood boil.

"They'll find bodies and think we're all dead, and I can finally move on with my plan in peace. But before I do, Roman will kill you." Silence returned, and he looked at his mother stunned.

"What?"

"I've lost one child already. I see the hold your sister has on you. You have to let that go" She handed him a gun and looked at him sternly. Roman looked at the weapon in his trembling hands.

"It's time to pick a side, Roman. It's time to kill your rabbit." Jane looked at both of them, terrified. Roman shook his head slightly and walked towards her with his eyes closed. Shepherd looked at him expectantly. When he was only a few steps away from her, he suddenly slowed down. He opened his eyes and looked deep into hers. She had never been able to read so much pain in them before. Her lips trembled, but she couldn't say a word. She hoped her look could bring him to his senses, make him understand again that his life would be much better without Shepherd. She prayed he would understand, but if not, she was ready to die for him.

"Do it." Shepherd's voice brought hers back too.

"Don't do it. This isn't you."

"That's not your sister, Roman. I don't know who that is, but it's time to say good bye." He raised his gun and pointed it at Jane. She shook her head in despair and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Now!" His hand shook and his face turned red with rage and despair. A gasp was followed by a horrified scream and he pointed the gun at Shepherd. He aimed, he fired, but the only thing heard was the click of an unloaded gun. Shepherd shook her head in disapproval.

"I've lost you both." Jane looked at him in panic. Those words could only mean one thing.

"So be it." Shepherd pulled out a gun behind her back and aimed it at Roman, but before she could fire it, Roman rushed at her and pushed her onto the desk. Jane tried desperately to free herself from the restraints and the laces cut into her delicate skin. She had to see Roman take a violent blow to the head. Within milliseconds, she made a decision.

She mustered as much strength as she could and jumped with the chair against the desk. The wood broke under her weight and the force of the impact. She charged at Shepherd. Both fought with everything they had and Jane managed to hit her fist hard against Shepherd's chin. She stumbled back briefly and there was enough time for Roman to get up. He used the distraction and ran to the gun that went down during the fight. This time the gun was loaded.

The shot thundered across the room and Jane could feel the bullet pass her neck, right into Shepherd's chest. The woman fell to the floor terrified. She looked down at herself and could see how dark blood stained her clothes. She grabbed her chest and gazed at her two children. Both stood there petrified. Shepherd spit blood as she laughed with a painfully distorted face, tears in her eyes.

She reached into her jacket pocket and opened the cap of the detonator. Jane awoke from her state and ran to Roman in shock. She threw herself on him and pushed them both against one of the windows. Shepherd detonated the bomb. She felt the heat spread throughout the building in a few moments and the glass of the window piercing her flesh. They fell two stories and hit the ground hard. Everything around her turned black.

Kurt fought with all his might against his panic and impatience. She'd been in there far too long. His breathing was shallow. His eyes flew over the few guards outside the building. He shook his head tense. Enough was enough. He was about to get the others to storm the building when a shot was fired. He looked up in horror. His heart was racing in panic. He stood up and pointed the others to follow him. The FBI stormed the square in front of the building and a firefight began. Shepherd's few guards were quickly gunned down. Kurt was running towards the entrance when the ground suddenly shook. Several explosions sounded and flames shot out of the building. The windows shattered into a thousand pieces and the walls collapsed under the force. All were thrown to the ground by a powerful blast and in a few moments the building collapsed completely. All that remained were piercing flames and breathtaking dust.

_This story will soon come to an end. There will probably be one or two more chapters and an epilog. After that, I can concentrate on my other ideas, but which one should I start with? We will see. ;)_


	13. Another Chance?

_I'm back again! Sooner than I thought but I'm trying to finish this story befor I have to start working on my projects for school again. I'm so stressed but all my body wants to think about is reading and writing fanfiction. I hate myself :D. Now there is only one chapter and an epilog left. I'm starting to write them today and I'm going to upload them as soon as possible. I can not thank you enough for every like and so on. You are all amazing for still reading this story. I know it's an emotional mess :D. Enough from me. Have fun._

_Rights bla bla ba_

**Damaged Soul **

**Another Chance?**

Kurt regained consciousness after a short time. He couldn't see anything because of the dense smoke, except the glow of the flames. He tried to gasp for air, but his deep breaths only caused a wheezing cough due to the dust mixture. He could feel a trail of blood dripping down his forehead and his ribs felt like he was just hit by a car. He remembered the explosion and stood up horrified and bumpy. Jane was in the building. There's no way she could have survived that, but she had to have survived it. After all, she was Jane. He spun around frantically trying to spot her. Surely she would come out of the smoke in a moment. Any thought other than finding her didn't bother him anymore. He would probably have hurried through the dust forever if Patterson's voice hadn't woken him from his trance and brought him back to reality.

"Kurt? Kurt, are you still alive? " Report back to me. Kurt!"

"Yes, Patterson, I'm alive. How about the others? Are they okay?" He knew it was his duty to make sure the other agents were okay.

"I was able to contact all of them. Some are more injured than others, but the fire department, ambulances and backup are on their way." She sounded relieved that he was okay.

"What about Jane?" Suddenly there was an oppressive silence on the line.

"Patterson." He wanted to stay calm, but he couldn't suppress a slight growl in his voice.

"I lost her signal as she entered the building. The building must be using a jamming device."

"The building just blew up, Patterson. What about her signal now?" Kurt was on his last nerve. The lack of her answer didn't soothe him one bit. He thought he could hear her sobbing for a moment, but the beat of his heart was louder.

"She must have lost the receiver in the explosion. Kurt she..."

"Don't, don't say it." He interrupted her with a pleading voice. He was afraid that if she said it, it would become reality. She couldn't possibly... he should have stopped her. If only he'd grabbed her tight and kept her in his arms forever. Maybe she'd be with him now. He sank to the ground, shivering. Single tears trickled down his cheek and only when they turned into a river did he begin to sob. He was angry once again. Angry at Shepherd for having this sick plan. Angry at Jane for just walking into that building without backup. Angry at himself for not stopping her. The anger made his blood boil and he dug his fingers deep into the cool earth looking for support.

He looked towards the burning building at the red glowing smoke. Somewhere there her body was buried under tons of rubble. Her bones were probably shattered and her body covered in blood. She was not supposed to stay there. He had to find her. If there was one thing she deserved, it was a proper funeral. He wanted to see her one last time. He was on shaky ground when he spotted a silhouette in the smoke. She came towards him and a spark of hope flashed through him. As he approached the figure, he realized that it was not Jane. Roman was covered in a mixture of dust, ash and blood. He stumbled around, his eyes searching wildly. He looked relieved when he saw Kurt. Kurt didn't feel the same way.

He reached for his gun and pointed it at the man in front of him. His voice trembled with rage.

"Roman Briggs you're under arrest, get down on your knees." He put his hands on the back of his neck and looked at him annoyed and panicked.

"There is no time for this!" Kurt walked up to him and held the gun to his forehead.

"It's Jane." This made him stop and he looked at the man intently.

"Where is she?" Roman looked suspiciously at the gun in his hands and Kurt hesitated just before putting it back in the holster. Roman got up immediately and pointed to the burning building.

"She' s there." He ran to the back of the house.

"Just before Shepherd blew up the building, she ran towards me and pushed us out the window together. I rolled away after the impact but she was buried under one of the collapsed walls. I tried to get her out of there, but I need help." Together they ran to the spot.

Roman threw himself to his knees and began once again to clear the rubble out of the way. The flames created a piercing heat and Kurt was frozen. Jane might still be alive, but even if she was, there wasn't much time left.

"Then why are you still standing there?" The voice in his head screamed at him. That's all it took, and he too fell to his knees and pushed the stones aside. A surge of adrenalin went through his body like lightning. Rubble for rubble, he threw the stones aside and dug with all his strength. He didn't feel the burning heat of the flames, nor the small splinters that pierced his skin. He felt nothing but hope and fear. The hope that he would find her and the fear that he would find her too late. Seconds passed like hours as he suddenly felt her soft skin. He looked into the earth and could see a part of her hand.

"Jane." He exhaled with relief.

"Jane! Hold on Jane! We are coming!" Together they lifted the last bits to the side until they exposed her whole body. Her eyes were closed and when he took her in his arms, her body sank lifeless against his chest. Her head rolled into her neck and he searched for a pulse. He couldn't find one. He got up with full force and ran back to the front of the building, Roman always close by his side. The dust slowly began to settle and he could see the blue light signal of the emergency personnel. He hurried towards them, always careful to hold her tight and safe in his arms.

"Hey, I need help! I need help now!" A couple of paramedics directed him to lay her down on a stretcher and immediately began to work.

"I can't feel a pulse. I'm starting CPR." The other one was already preparing the defibrillator. Kurt almost collapsed when he saw Jane lying there. With no pulse. Dead. Her body moved lifelessly every time the EMTs tried to revive her. When you heard a crack in her chest, Kurt almost threw up. The second paramedic came back to her side and cut open her clothes. Her entire body was covered with bruises and open wounds.

"Starting defibrillation. All clear!" The electric shock passed through her body, but she showed no signs of life.

"Recharging. All clear!" Silence. Suddenly you could hear a pulse from the machine and Kurt exhaled with relief. The paramedics prepared her for departure and pushed her into the ambulance. He jumped after them, but when Roman wanted to do the same, the men stopped him.

"Sorry, Sir, we can only take one of you." He looked at Kurt forcefully. He knew what that look meant. You take care of her, or I'll kill you. If he was honest with himself, if something happened to her again because of his inattention, he wouldn't try to stop him.

The ambulance drove off and the medics began to connect her to the necessary equipment.

"What happened to her?" The paramedics tried to talk to Kurt, but he only had eyes and thoughts for Jane.

"Sir?" It was the light touch on his shoulder that brought him back to reality. He looked at the man questioningly. It was easy to see that part of his brain was still occupied with the woman on the stretcher.

"Eh...she, she had jumped out a window just before the explosion and then was buried by debris." The man hid his shock well, but Kurt could see through his mask.

"OK, can you give me her full name, her age, any medically relevant facts?" Kurt looked at her. Shepherd had erased her memory a second time but he knew her.

"Her name's Jane Doe. We don't know her exact age but she's in her early or mid-thirties. "She has no allergies, at least none that we know of and her family background is unknown to me as well." It would have been really good to have Roman with them now. He would know something like that. The paramedics didn't seem overly satisfied, but they kept working on Jane. He held her hand firmly in his during the entire drive to the hospital. She hadn't regained consciousness yet, but that was to be expected after an accident like this. He gently stroked her dust-covered hair.

When they arrived at the hospital, he followed the EMTs and never left her side. Letting go of her hand was out of the question. Several doctors had treated Jane instantly and were brought up to date by the emergency doctors. Kurt himself was unaware of all this. The sounds around him only appeared to him as muffled noises. Jane was immediately pushed into an examination room and one of the nurses asked him to sit and wait in the waiting room. Of course Kurt refused to let her out of his sight.

"Sir only family may be present during the examination."

"I am her husband." Wow, that lie really flew off the tongue. The nurse looked at him sceptically but she allowed him to wait outside of the room. It was only when the doctors took her to surgery that Kurt realized how close Jane was to death. Still is. His body slumped into a chair in the waiting room and his face was immediately buried in his hands. Waiting was always the worst part. Especially for a control freak like him. He was in a situation that he could not control at all and it was killing him. All he could think about was her lying there on the operating table, intubated and the surgeons cutting into her body. And again she would have a wound that later became a scar. She had so many scars. Some were probably from her childhood when her parents were still alive and she and her brother were playing in the garden, but most of them resulted from dramatic situations. The orphanage, the war, working for the FBI and the torture at the hands of the CIA. He hoped it wouldn't be her last because that would mean her death.

Kurt was not a religious person, quite the opposite, but for the first time in a very long while he folded his hands and started to pray.

"God, I know I'm probably the last person you'd expect a prayer from, but I wouldn't be asking you for help now if it wasn't incredibly important. It's not about me, it's about the woman who's in surgery right now. Jane. She's one of the two most important people in my life and right now she's fighting for hers. She may have made terrible mistakes in the past, but in my opinion, of everyone I know, she deserves the most to get another chance. She gave my life hope and meaning again. She taught me what it feels like to really love someone wholeheartedly." He could feel the warm tears on his cheek.

"Please, I beg you, don't take her yet." His voice trembled and his body shook internally. He knew he couldn't expect a verbal answer, that would be crazy after all, but he hoped God had heard him.

Hours went by and no one heard anything from the operating room. Reade, Zapata, Patterson and Roman had all arrived at the hospital by now. The latter looked as if he was about to rush into the room and check on Jane himself. Kurt could fully understand him. He walked impatiently and tense through the room as he had already gotten a backache from the hard and uncomfortable chairs. His hands kept clenching into fists and if he had been alone in the room he probably wouldn't have had control over his temper.

It took another half hour before a surgeon suddenly came out of the operating room. He looked very exhausted.

"Jane Doe's family." Kurt and Roman rushed over to his side immediately. They looked at him expectantly, and the doctor retreated slightly distressed.

"She made it through the surgery, but we're not out of the woods yet. Due to the fall and the weight of the building, she suffered several broken bones all over her body. One of her ribs punctured her lung, causing her right lobe of it to collapse. Furthermore, her spleen ruptured and because of the heavy bleeding we had to remove it. She also had some internal bleeding in her abdomen, which we were able to stop. Since we cannot say how long her brain was deprived of oxygen, we do not know the extent of neuronal damage. We cannot determine that until she wakes up. If she wakes up." Every single word felt like a hard blow into Kurts intestines.

Roman was unexpectedly quiet. He didn't look like he was about to trash the whole hospital. He just stood next to Kurt with hanging shoulders and seemed to be deep in thought, the sadness in his face visible. Maybe he was a good man after all, like Jane had said.

"Can we see her?" Kurt asked hopefully, though he knew it was unlikely.

"She's still under post-operative observation. If she should survive the night, we can move her to another room and then you can visit her, but only the immediate family." The doctor looked at Roman.

"He is her brother." Kurt hoped his lie that he was her husband would not be addressed now and he was lucky. The doctor nodded his understanding and then left the room. Roman and Kurt looked at each other briefly, and without saying a word, they came to an understanding. Neither of them would leave the hospital. While the team drove home, they took their seats in the waiting room again. Neither of them would forgive themselves if Jane died and they wouldn't be there.

The hours passed and no one had spoken a word. They kept looking at each other briefly, but then they turned their eyes away again. Both had so much on their minds but they didn't know how to say it.

"What are you gonna do now?" Roman looked at him questioningly.

"Now that you are free, what are you gonna do?" He just hoped Roman wouldn't choose to avenge Shepherd's death and the collapse of their plan.

"Honestly, I have no idea. I've never had a different life. But I'm gonna stay with Jane. We were always together. I'm nothing without her." If he only knew how much that applied to him too. Silence returned, but after a few minutes, it was Roman who asked his question.

"How do you feel about her? Because despite everything we told her, in the end chose you, and I know how strong her feelings for you are. If you don't have those feelings, then you should get as far away from her as possible. She's already suffered enough, so don't let her cling to something that'll never happen." Roman looked at him with a serious expression.

"I love her more than I've ever loved any other person." It amazed him how open he was to Roman.

"Not to mention my daughter, of course. But it's no use anyway. She didn't choose me, but to bring Shepherd to her down and start a new life. She doesn't even really remember me." His head sank sadly, tears burning in his eyes.

"I'd fight for her, but I don't think this is what she wants. She should have a chance to live a life of her own, outside the influence of Shepherd and the FBI." Roman's laugh made him look up. The man shook his head.

"First of all, do you really think it was just Shepherd's decision to send her to you. Believe me, she would've fought back if it was. Men like you have always attracted her. The Oscar thing always had an expiration date. She liked that you fought for what you thought was good without worrying about yourself. And secondly..." He looked deep into his eyes.

"She remembers." Kurt looked at him in amazement. He couldn't believe it. A great stone fell from his heart and hope gleamed from the hole. If she remembered, it would mean they still had a chance at a life together. Now all she had to do was wake up.

Please Jane, wake up.


	14. For Good

_Hey! You didn't expect to here from me so soon. Well surprise! I finally decided to end this story with this chapter. The epilog would just not fit and would probably only prolong the story. Furthermore, I came up with a cute scene to end it and I thought it would be perfect. I want to thank you all again for the love you shared or for even just reading it. I know it's probably a mess :D. This story helped me to improve my writing (at least I hope it did) and will help me to make my next ones even better. Enjoy the last and final chapter._

_Martin Gero...I think you know what I mean by now. _

**Damaged Soul**

**For Good**

The first night was hell. The constant fear she would die drove them both crazy. When she was moved to a normal room, they both visited her immediately. Her right leg was completely plastered and also the cast on her left arm reached up to her elbow. The large laceration on her head was bandaged. At the moment she was on artificial respiration. Surrounded by so many machines she seemed very small.

Three days have passed and there was still no sign that she would wake up. Her cerebral pressure and brain waves seemed normal. The doctors told them that she could wake up any moment or not at all. That was up to her. They explained the delirium. During the time that describes the phase between sleep and waking, patients first notice that they have not been conscious for a while. Many are confused, unable to remember anything before the coma. They also often cannot recognise faces. Relatives can ease the condition by stimulating the patient's senses. They can bring familiar sounds, their favourite music, or scents such as their favourite perfume to remind the person of their former life and take away their fear of the new time.

The words and explanations gave them strength. They had brought her pieces from home. Her bedclothes and the self-knitted blanket she once received as a gift from Patterson. Kurt hoped she would remember.

The next morning he woke up from the uncomfortable chair that had become his bed. He massaged the knots in his neck and his movements woke Roman as well. Both have looked better before. The unshaven faces and the dark circles under their eyes were a glimpse of their terrible past. The sleepless nights and the constant worry left their marks more and more every day. But this event had something good as well. They could get to know each other. Could understand each other better and better. They had one thing in common. They loved Jane, and that bonded them. Roman told him stories from her time before she became Jane and Kurt told him stories from the time after.

That morning, they were both silent, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Kurt was about to get breakfast for both of them when her heart monitor started beeping abnormally. It wasn't much faster than usual, but it was quite different. He rushed to her side and looked into her eyes. Roman took her hand and tried to wake her up with a gentle squeeze.

"Jane? Don't be afraid, we're here Jane." She moved her fingers slowly at first, then she turned her head slightly in one direction. Her eyes opened, but as expected, her gaze remained unfocused. Kurt immediately fetched a nurse and she began to examine Jane. The doctor explained that she was in a vegetative state and that was a good sign. They removed the breathing tube and then left her alone again. Kurt and Roman told her in a gentle voice what had happened in the last few days and how happy they were to see her beautiful eyes.

It took another two days until she finally gave a sign of a conscious reaction. Kurt sat next to her bed and read her a story from one of his favorite books when he thought she had moved. He put the book aside and took her hand in his.

"Jane, can you hear me?" It took a moment, but suddenly she squeezed his hand very lightly. A smile formed on his face and he looked into her eyes. They were open. She was looking in his direction. Her eyes didn't seem focused yet, but he could tell she was trying. He gently stroked her cheek up to her temple and massaged her head. She leaned into his touch. His heart was racing with happiness and he told her about Roman and how happy he would be to see her like this.

From day to day she showed more reaction and one evening it happened.

"Kurt?" He jumped up slightly. He didn't expect to hear her voice. He saw her eyes looking for him, and he leaned forward to her.

"Yes Jane, I'm here Jane." For the first time in a long while, she finally managed to see his face. He looked exhausted and he had tears in his eyes.

"Are you all right?" He had to laugh.

"You just woke up and you' re already worried about somebody else."

It took several more weeks before she was herself again. There were times when she was completely herself and had a clear mind and then there were times when it seemed as if she was dreaming awake. She had once thought that one of the doctors was trying to poison her and had stopped eating, but it passed quickly. The doctors said it was completely normal. The cast on her arm was removed, as were the screws in her leg. She was sitting on her bed wrapped in a blanket and eating a pudding.

"Are you looking forward to tomorrow when you can go home?" Roman's question got her thinking. Was she looking forward to it? She had enjoyed being cared for by both of them over the weeks. They visited her, talked to her, sneaked delicious food in and took her for walks. All that would stop then. She would be back in her empty and lifeless safe house and everyone would return to their old lives and habits. Except Roman, of course. He had no apartment of his own and had moved into her house a few weeks ago. He would continue to help her. She would be grateful for that for the rest of her life, but he was not Kurt. She had fallen more and more in love with him during the last time. Her old memories are slowly coming back and the puzzle, her life, is slowly becoming a picture again.

Her heart was beating faster every time he entered the room. She loved the way he looked at her when he told her about Bethany or how he would always stroke her hair gently after a nightmare or an illusion. His presence alone made her incredibly happy. Was she looking forward to leaving the hospital? Maybe a little, but if she was completely honest, she wasn't.

"Sure." Her answer was terse, and Roman could read on her face that it wasn't entirely true, but he wouldn't speak to her about it. Maybe she was just tired.

The rest of the day she remained silent and seemed very lost in thought. It improved when Kurt came to visit her, but even in his presence she was not the same as always. Kurt noticed this too and spoke to her. In response she just smiled at him and said that she was just tired. He gave Roman a worried look but he just shrugged his shoulders unknowingly. Jane was not comfortable with the silence and tension in the room. She lay under her blanket and closed her eyes.

"Thank you for coming, but I'm really tired and would like to sleep now." She had never sent either of them away before. Kurt didn't like that at all and he had a bad feeling in his stomach, but he wanted to respect her wish. He stood up and stroked her back for a moment.

"Okay, we're going to go and get some rest." He looked at her sadly and left the room with a soft sigh. Roman followed him.

"What's wrong with her. Did something happen in the morning?"

"No, not that I know of. We talked normally and when I asked her if she was looking forward to her release tomorrow, she suddenly seemed lost in thought. I thought she would be happy." Kurt grabbed his shoulder.

"I'll talk to her tomorrow." The rest of the night he wondered what Jane was so upset about. Any normal person would be happy to be released, especially after such a long time.

"Maybe she's afraid everything will go back to the way it was. She, alone in that dark safe house, and you, back at the FBI. She probably thinks you won't see each other now that she's no longer working for the FBI." The voice in his head tried to explain it to him. Of course, why didn't he think of it sooner. Luckily, she'd expect a surprise tomorrow and then he'd kill her worries once and for all.

Roman came into the room with a wheelchair. Like yesterday, she sat on the bed with hanging shoulders. Her fingers were playing with a run in the blanket. He smiled encouragingly at her. If she only knew

"Ready." She looked up at him and nodded. He helped her into the wheelchair and pushed her to the exit. A couple of her nurses wished her good luck and Jane put on a fake smile that disappeared as soon as they left the hospital. Roman lifted her into the car and drove her home. Neither of them said a word the entire ride.

When they arrived in their street, their mouths fell open in amazement. The house was unrecognizable. It still looked a little decrepit, but it was repainted, in a bright green. Her favorite color. In her front garden suddenly grew many colorful flowers. Roses, lilies, daisies. It looked like something out of a storybook. She was laughing with joy. Roman got out of the car with a smile and put her back in the wheelchair. The best was yet to come. He pushed her to the front door and looked for his key.

"Did you do this?" Joy and wonder were written all over her face.

"Well, I had a little help?" He pushed the door open and wheeled her into the house.

"Surprise!" Jane burst out laughing again. In front of her stood Reade, Zapata, Patterson and Kurt under a welcome home sign. Patterson ran towards her with open arms and wrapped her into a tight hug.

"We're so glad you're finally out of the hospital."

"Yeah, we thought you moved in there." Zapata took a sip from her beer with a smile.

"Now let her go Patterson, she needs to breathe." Reade gently pulled her away from Jane by the shoulders. Patterson had tears in his eyes.

"Sorry, I'm just so happy." Kurt came over to Jane's side and pushed her into the living room. He leaned down slowly and whispered in her ear.

"Do you like it?" The house looked beautiful on the outside, but inside it was even better. Everything was much cozier and homier than before, with the new furniture and pictures on the walls.

"Kurt, it's...just fantastic. I love it." I love you. He didn't say it out loud, but he hoped she could read it in his eyes.

For the rest of the evening, Jane was happy. Everyone ate together, played some of Patterson's board games and told funny stories. She wished the day would never end, but everything eventually came to an end. Reade and Zapata left first. After an hour, Roman had to take Patterson home, because in her condition she was definitely not supposed to drive. He also wanted to give Kurt and Jane some more time alone.

Now that they were alone, Jane fell back into her old mood. After a day like this, saying goodbye would be even worse. Her heart screamed at her, told her to confess her feelings but she thought it would be unfair to him. She could not see what he was trying to make her understand. How could a human be so blind.

"Well, it's getting late, and I should probably get going."

"Yes, you're right." She skillfully avoided his eye contact. She feared he could read her feelings clearly in her eyes and she didn't want him to. Besides, she'd probably cry and that would have made saying goodbye even worse. She walked him to the door. He found it somehow amusing how much she avoided him and that so obviously. How could she believe that he never wanted to see her again after what he had done at the hospital. She was so stubborn. He was almost out the door when he turned around again.

"Oh Jane, I had one more question." She looked at him briefly, then quickly down again. He shook his head, laughing softly.

"Would you please look at me." He could see she was confused, but after a few seconds in which she seemed to think, she did what he asked for. He leaned down to her and put his hands on the armrests of her wheelchair.

"Would you like to have dinner with me?" That was a question she hadn't expected and he could see it in her eyes. Her mouth was wide open in shock and he could see she was trying to speak. He wanted to give her all the time she needed and just kept smiling at her. She loved that crooked smile.

"You mean like a date?" He wanted to start laughing, but he was afraid she'd get it the wrong way.

"Yes, Jane, a real date?" She didn't know what to say. Did he really feel that way about her, or was he doing it out of pity? She looked deep into his eyes, and for the first time, she could see it. His feelings mirrored hers. Her heart started beating faster and she could feel her cheeks turning red. It did not bother her. He saw a broad smile spreading across her face.

"Yes." Finally. He got up slowly, but before he left he bent over to her. She could see his lips moving closer and closer to hers. He looked deep into her eyes, wanted to make sure she was okay with that. She found his hesitation sweet, but enough was enough. She laid her hands on his cheeks, closed her eyes and pressed her lips against his. The tender kiss turned into a passionate one. All the terrible events, the doubts, the constant fear, but also the love flowed into it. When they parted again she leaned her forehead against his.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time." How could he always find the right words. She could only laugh. He got up slowly and walked to his car.

"Then we have a date, I'll write to tell you where and when I'II pick you up."

"It's a deal." He smiled and got into his car. She closed the door behind her. They both had the same thought.

Maybe things would finally work out for good.

_The End_


End file.
